Sign from my Mom?

I have been so focused on Austin, the Holidays are just so hard without him! But, I have been making a BIG efford do what he would want, to enjoy my time with the rest of the family.

Which brings me closer to my question.

My parents LOVED birds!! They had all kinds of feeders. I bought Mom a book on birds once, she wore it out and asked for another, I found her another one. Daddy liked the bluebirds the best I think. Mom, it was the hawk. Anywhere we went she would watch the countryside for hawks. If there was one out there she'd find it!!

Driving around trying to do Christmas shopping, or going to doctor appointments, I have noticed so MANY hawks!! But, what brings me my question is..... lately, when I'm driving along, usually crying, over a song or a memory..... suddenly, there it is, a hawk. Sitting so majestically on a tree limb or a fence post. So beautiful!!!

Whenever I see a hawk I always think of my mother. Now, I am wondering, is my mom trying to tell me that Austin is just fine?? Is she showing me the one way she KNOWS I will think of her to let me know that Austin is with his great-grandparents and his parental grandparents, safe, loved, and happy.

You would have to know more about my mothers beliefs to understand why I question whether this is the case or not. She didn't believe you went to Heaven or Hell at death, but at the resurrection when Christ comes back for us. So, by her belief, she couldn't show me a sign of any kind.

But, EVERY time I am out and get sad over my grandson, Austin, all of the sudden from out of no where I will see a hawk. Just the sight brings me such an instant feeling of peace!! I feel a warm "glow" for lack of a better word, deep inside me.

Ah well, right or wrong, true or false. I will believe it IS a sign. I just can't feel any other way with the feeling of peace that comes over me at that time, I don't see how it could be anything else!

Christmas without you

I finished my free photo book from Shutterfly. So wish my computer hadn't crashed on me!! Almost all my pictures of Austin are on my computer, I only had a couple on Ravens.

I still find it so hard to make family memories, whatever you want to call it, and NOT include him!! I have SEVEN grandchildren! I will ALWAYS have SEVEN!!! I can't seem to make myself move on, it feels like losing him all over again.

I mantain relatively well. I love my family more than anything in this world! They are my gift from God. I know they belong to Him first and foremost. I know that at some point in time He will call each one home to Him. It's the order of the call I find so hard to deal with.

I know we have to keep making new memories for all the other grandchildren. I also know that Austin is on our minds with every new memory we make. That should make me feel better I guess, but it doesn't.

Yet, at the same time, if I could I would take the pain of his passing away from every member of my family and carry it myself. There are so many degrees of this kind of pain.

The pain of losing one you love, then the pain of watching the rest of the people you love suffer through that lose themselves. If I could just take their pain away I think I could deal with my own so much better!

I know I have to find my path. I try to follow Heathers' guidance. That child of mine is so wise!! Yet, I am her mother, so I know how she hides things herself. Hence my point, a mother protects her child from pain. I can't do that for her!!
I want to, but I can't. I pray for the ablitity to do so, but I know we each have to carry it alone.

So, I WILL pick myself up. I will live my life to the fullest. I will enjoy my time here with my family. I will try to live up to his memory, to make him proud of me.

I just have to find the way to tuck him in bed, in my heart, mind, and soul. To know that one day I will look upon that beautiful smiling face, and feel that big Blair Bear Hug again!!!

I refuse to say good-bye to him. But, I will learn to say until I see you again. Always in my heart, mind, and soul. Forever loved and remembered.

Wrap Austin in Your arms sweet Lord, until I can wrap him in mine once again.

Our Angel Man

Today marks two years since you had to go away.
Two years and I still don't quiet know what to say.
The easy words are I love you and miss you.
The hard words are the ones that tore my world into.

To try to say good-bye to you,
Was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
But, at the same time I never did say it.
I'll see and hold you again in a bit.

It may be tomorrow or twenty more years.
I know it will be after thousands of tears.
You made us all so very proud,
We are thankful for the time we were allowed.

I can close my eyes and see your smiling face,
I thank God for giving me my special place.
To be a part of your beautiful life and growth,
Thank you Lord for my small part in both!

Physically you may be gone,
But your work will carry on.
Though we are so far apart,
We will carry you always in our hearts.

Remember Our Young Angel Man,
That before your life even began,
You were and are always will be,
A huge part of the best of me.

Thanksgiving Day 2010

Thanksgiving remains the same in the sense of my family coming together. Sometimes some can't stay as long as we'd like, but at least at some point we are ALL together!

We have made some changes the last 2 years. Always before it would be at Carls and my house. Last year we moved it to Heathers and Tims, my oldest daughter. Tims mom wasn't able to prepare dinner like she always had before, so Heather cooked for his family, and invited hers too.

This year was different yet again. Last year was our first without Austin, this year we had to go on without June, Tims mom. But I know they were together in Heaven smiling down on us, rejoicing that we carry on even though it still hurts.

This was the first year Carls mom didn't fix a meal. She went to his brothers house. I feel like she just couldn't do it without Don there, we lost him this year too.

Yet we have to TRY to stay postive, to meet each day head-on. To be all we can be, for ourselves and for each other.

Yes, we can look back and remember past Holidays. Days all our loved ones were still here with us. But we have to look forward too. We have other family members and they are just as important to us.

So, until we can all be together again, we will take each day as it comes. We will find something to smile about, even if we also find something to cry about. Thats what life is, ups and downs. We just have to learn to balance them, though its great if the ups throw us off balance some!!

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving has always been a family time, for as long as I can remember. I remember my Mothers' meals, sitting with Daddy and chopping whatever had to be chopped. We never went to a grandparents for Thanksgiving, but Grandma Davis came to ours after Grandpa passed away.

Family is an ever changing thing. Marriages, divorces, members moving away, others passing away. Family gets bigger or smaller depending on one or another.

Thanksgiving is a time each person needs to stop! We all have something that tears us apart on any Holiday. For my family, we have a shared grief. We losed our beloved Austin, 2 years ago on Nov. 29, 2008. At the age of 14, so unexspectedly!!

But, as I said, we each need to stop---remember what Austin would have wanted, what God wants. This is the time we as a people have set aside to give Thanks to God!!
Granted, we should be thanking Him each and everyday in our prayers. Just the same, as a Nation we set this as a legal Holiday to give Thanks.

Each of us can easily make a list of what is wrong in our lives. Death of a loved one, health of self or other family member, finances, etc.

This is a day we are supposed to remember what we are THANKFUL for!!! I have so many blessings to be Thankful for! A husband that loves and needs me. 3 beautiful daughters, who have blessed me with 7 wonderful grandchildren!! I can not say enough of how much I love each of these people, or how proud I am of them. I cannot forget my son-in-law Tim, Heathers husband!!! He was a dear friend before becoming her husband. He is the son I never had.

I have a job that I enjoy and love doing. I am a bus monitor on a special needs bus. Each and everyday is so different, though I am on the same bus with the same children. They range in age from pre-school to 17 years old. Each a joy to be with!!
Yes, we sometimes have a trying time, but somewhere one or the other will end up making ALL of us smile or laugh out loud.

I have married twice in my life. I will stay with Carl to the end of our days. But, I was blessed with GREAT in-laws, BOTH times. I still call my first husbands parents Mom and Dad, though we lost Dad several years ago. His sister is still my sister too. Carls parents I call Mom and Dad also. Not everyone can say they have had 3 sets of Moms and Dads in their lives!!

The main thing I give Thanks for is my faith in God. My total belief in Him! Without that I couldn't make it. Knowing HE is ALWAYS with us, that makes life bearable. Without Him, I for one wouldn't have much of a life, or any sanity left. Through all the hardships I have endured, and the ones I have yet to endure, HE is with me!! I know this in my heart, mind, and soul. No doubt whatsoever. The older I get the more I know this.

So, Father, I would like to give Thanks to YOU! Thank-you for my wonderful family, present, past, and future. For my health, I am so blessed to be able to see, touch, and hold my Grandchildren. So many can't say that.

Thank-you for giving me a job I can do. The food I eat, the clothes I wear. The roof over my head. None of that may be fancy, but I HAVE it. So many others don't.

Thank-you for giving Your Son so that I, unworthy though I have been, could be so GREATLY blessed in this life. Without Jesus none of this would have been possible.

Thank-you for making a new home, Austin is there, my parents, Dad Coons, Don Richmond, so many others of my family. Thank-you for taking them Home to be with You. I know they are safe and happy with You. Thank-you for the time I had with each of them.

Thank you for the hardships I have had in my life, I pray they will make me the person You wanted me to become. I thank you Lord for every single person, feeling, tear, laugh, all of what makes my life mine.

My children

I have 3 daughters that I am proud of. Yes, there have been some things they have done that I, and them, have NOt been proud of. But, by and large, I AM proud of my children. They are as different as morning, noon, and night.

Heather would be my morning, born at 12:30 p.m., or close to that!! She was as more my teacher than I was hers! Heather makes you THINK she is totally in control, maybe she is. But, I know, she has a soft spot.
When Heather and Tim married they decided that THEIR family came first and foremost, which is EXACTLLY what the Bible says!!!! They put their family first, theirselves, their sons next.

I remember when their firstborn son, Austin, was born. There was a slight chance of losing one or the other, mother or child. Tim picked Heather to save. He asked me what should he do?? I said "Do you want to know what you are I would say, or what Heather would say"?
He said is there a difference? I said "oh yes"!! You will pick your wife. I, like Heather, would pick my child. Therefore you and I would pick Heather, but, like I would have if it was her or me, SHE will pick her child!!
Luckily it didn't come to that. But that leads to another story of our lives.

Wendy would be my noon child. Literally in the middle.Though she was born at 11:27 p.m. She, like me, is never sure if she is right or wrong. Is she loved, or just there? Tries so hard to fit in that there is NO way she can, like me.
I was the baby, Wendy was the baby for 8 years.

Raven is the night child, born at 9:13 p.m.She, therefor, was the "baby". But, she was actually like starting all over. Which, in a sense, makes her the firstborn and the baby. It shows in her life too. She is WAY more sure of herself than Wendy could EVER be, but at the same time, she exspects mom and dad to help her when needed. Which is how she was raised.

I feel so sorry for, yet admire, Heather. She almost NEVER asked for ANY kind of help. It's like she and Tim think there is NO one but each other to depend on. Which is actually GREAT. They do know IF they need us, we ARE there for them. But they don't ask!!

All I can say, and I hope each of them knows, is we ARE and WILL be there for each of them whenever, or if ever, they need us!!

I DO love my children differently, BUT I do NOT love one more than the others.















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Learning to trust in God more

I have NEVER had a problem with knowing there is a God. Never had trouble praying. Even though we weren't brought up in a church, we were raised to believe in God.

Losing Austin brought us such pain, but NEVER made us doubt God! That is our one certainty, Austin IS with our Lord!!! Without that knowledge I couldn't have survived it at all.

His death did open my eyes, made me realize there are NO certainties in this life except that one day we will all die. There is no set order. We all think the older people go first. We know it happens to others, but never to us, SO not true!!!

But, since his death, I HAVE turned to God more. I pray more often. I believe more deeply. When I get upset over anything sooner or later I start asking God to take it away, to help me get over it.

I am still human enough to be afraid. Afraid that whatever my problem is the solution won't be to my liking. I know that the song "Unanswered Prayers" hits it right. Our answers are NOT always what we think they should be, that's where faith comes in. You have to KNOW God will do what He KNOWS is best for you, not what you think is best. Which is why most days my last words to Him are "I leave it in Your hands". That is the best way I can describe trust.