I have NEVER had a problem with knowing there is a God. Never had trouble praying. Even though we weren't brought up in a church, we were raised to believe in God.
Losing Austin brought us such pain, but NEVER made us doubt God! That is our one certainty, Austin IS with our Lord!!! Without that knowledge I couldn't have survived it at all.
His death did open my eyes, made me realize there are NO certainties in this life except that one day we will all die. There is no set order. We all think the older people go first. We know it happens to others, but never to us, SO not true!!!
But, since his death, I HAVE turned to God more. I pray more often. I believe more deeply. When I get upset over anything sooner or later I start asking God to take it away, to help me get over it.
I am still human enough to be afraid. Afraid that whatever my problem is the solution won't be to my liking. I know that the song "Unanswered Prayers" hits it right. Our answers are NOT always what we think they should be, that's where faith comes in. You have to KNOW God will do what He KNOWS is best for you, not what you think is best. Which is why most days my last words to Him are "I leave it in Your hands". That is the best way I can describe trust.
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