Christmas without you

I finished my free photo book from Shutterfly. So wish my computer hadn't crashed on me!! Almost all my pictures of Austin are on my computer, I only had a couple on Ravens.

I still find it so hard to make family memories, whatever you want to call it, and NOT include him!! I have SEVEN grandchildren! I will ALWAYS have SEVEN!!! I can't seem to make myself move on, it feels like losing him all over again.

I mantain relatively well. I love my family more than anything in this world! They are my gift from God. I know they belong to Him first and foremost. I know that at some point in time He will call each one home to Him. It's the order of the call I find so hard to deal with.

I know we have to keep making new memories for all the other grandchildren. I also know that Austin is on our minds with every new memory we make. That should make me feel better I guess, but it doesn't.

Yet, at the same time, if I could I would take the pain of his passing away from every member of my family and carry it myself. There are so many degrees of this kind of pain.

The pain of losing one you love, then the pain of watching the rest of the people you love suffer through that lose themselves. If I could just take their pain away I think I could deal with my own so much better!

I know I have to find my path. I try to follow Heathers' guidance. That child of mine is so wise!! Yet, I am her mother, so I know how she hides things herself. Hence my point, a mother protects her child from pain. I can't do that for her!!
I want to, but I can't. I pray for the ablitity to do so, but I know we each have to carry it alone.

So, I WILL pick myself up. I will live my life to the fullest. I will enjoy my time here with my family. I will try to live up to his memory, to make him proud of me.

I just have to find the way to tuck him in bed, in my heart, mind, and soul. To know that one day I will look upon that beautiful smiling face, and feel that big Blair Bear Hug again!!!

I refuse to say good-bye to him. But, I will learn to say until I see you again. Always in my heart, mind, and soul. Forever loved and remembered.

Wrap Austin in Your arms sweet Lord, until I can wrap him in mine once again.