Volcanoes

Today as been a "volcano" day. One of those days you feel the pressure building, waiting to explode. Sometimes it just "seeps" out, other times it flows!

So today has been one of those days where I see how selfish I truly am, how terrible I can be, how deeply I can dislike myself and all I am. When I feel as ugly inside as I do on the outside.

Volcano days don't bother me as much if I am alone, but they tear me apart when I'm not, and I end up "spouting" on an innocent person. Which I did today. Raven was totally innocent of any wrong doing, but I sure can't say the same for me. At least I can say I raised smart girls, she knew when to give up and leave me alone.

I love my family, even though I know this sounds as if I don't. I want only the best for ALL of them, my husband, my girls, Tim, and my precious grandchildren. But best is something I have NEVER been, and today was one of those days that just proves it.

My entire life I have been told to shut up, I talk too much. From my earliest memories I can remember being told to Shut up! You would think in 52 years I could have learned to do that. Which just leads me to realize how selfish and stupid I am.

If I truly put my family first I wouldn't EVER put them through one of my "days". Once again I have told myself THIS is the LAST time!! But, I'm sure, as I always do, I will fail at it again.

It might be different if I enjoyed life. I don't. I just survive it, one day at a time. I can't even remember when I truly did enjoy it. It's been a lot of years!! Oh, there are days I enjoy. People I enjoy. But for the most part, nope. I live each day waiting for it to be the last day I have to endure life.

Call it menopause, grief, old age, selfishness, self disgust, or whatever. To me this life is hell, this is the hell we go through to show us there HAS to be something BETTER to look forward to!

Today has been one of those days I would truly call myself totally crazy, insane, ready to be locked away. The real problem though is that while Raven SAW it today, most of the time I do a damn good job of hiding it! Because I feel that way inside EVERY day. Maybe not the entire day, but at some point I feel it each and every day. I just try to lock it away so no one can see it.

But, today was truly a volcano day. One of those days I could NOT control my inner self, the self I despise. I know there is a halfway decent person in there somewhere, she just doesn't come out very often.

This is NOT a self pity ploy. I despise pity in any form. I don't feel sorry for myself, I feel sorry for my family. I pray my girls don't "catch" it later in life. I truly did think I had this person under control for good. I have been having GREAT days, days I felt more like I did over 5 years ago. But, I noticed the last couple of days, she was trying to come out again. Today she did.

So, to my girls if they read this, I am truly sorry your mother is this person!! You deserve so much more, so much better. The only good thing I can say for myself is that I DO love you!! And I am totally ashamed of myself when I allow her to come out. I'm sorry.