Thanksgiving remains the same in the sense of my family coming together. Sometimes some can't stay as long as we'd like, but at least at some point we are ALL together!
We have made some changes the last 2 years. Always before it would be at Carls and my house. Last year we moved it to Heathers and Tims, my oldest daughter. Tims mom wasn't able to prepare dinner like she always had before, so Heather cooked for his family, and invited hers too.
This year was different yet again. Last year was our first without Austin, this year we had to go on without June, Tims mom. But I know they were together in Heaven smiling down on us, rejoicing that we carry on even though it still hurts.
This was the first year Carls mom didn't fix a meal. She went to his brothers house. I feel like she just couldn't do it without Don there, we lost him this year too.
Yet we have to TRY to stay postive, to meet each day head-on. To be all we can be, for ourselves and for each other.
Yes, we can look back and remember past Holidays. Days all our loved ones were still here with us. But we have to look forward too. We have other family members and they are just as important to us.
So, until we can all be together again, we will take each day as it comes. We will find something to smile about, even if we also find something to cry about. Thats what life is, ups and downs. We just have to learn to balance them, though its great if the ups throw us off balance some!!
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving has always been a family time, for as long as I can remember. I remember my Mothers' meals, sitting with Daddy and chopping whatever had to be chopped. We never went to a grandparents for Thanksgiving, but Grandma Davis came to ours after Grandpa passed away.
Family is an ever changing thing. Marriages, divorces, members moving away, others passing away. Family gets bigger or smaller depending on one or another.
Thanksgiving is a time each person needs to stop! We all have something that tears us apart on any Holiday. For my family, we have a shared grief. We losed our beloved Austin, 2 years ago on Nov. 29, 2008. At the age of 14, so unexspectedly!!
But, as I said, we each need to stop---remember what Austin would have wanted, what God wants. This is the time we as a people have set aside to give Thanks to God!!
Granted, we should be thanking Him each and everyday in our prayers. Just the same, as a Nation we set this as a legal Holiday to give Thanks.
Each of us can easily make a list of what is wrong in our lives. Death of a loved one, health of self or other family member, finances, etc.
This is a day we are supposed to remember what we are THANKFUL for!!! I have so many blessings to be Thankful for! A husband that loves and needs me. 3 beautiful daughters, who have blessed me with 7 wonderful grandchildren!! I can not say enough of how much I love each of these people, or how proud I am of them. I cannot forget my son-in-law Tim, Heathers husband!!! He was a dear friend before becoming her husband. He is the son I never had.
I have a job that I enjoy and love doing. I am a bus monitor on a special needs bus. Each and everyday is so different, though I am on the same bus with the same children. They range in age from pre-school to 17 years old. Each a joy to be with!!
Yes, we sometimes have a trying time, but somewhere one or the other will end up making ALL of us smile or laugh out loud.
I have married twice in my life. I will stay with Carl to the end of our days. But, I was blessed with GREAT in-laws, BOTH times. I still call my first husbands parents Mom and Dad, though we lost Dad several years ago. His sister is still my sister too. Carls parents I call Mom and Dad also. Not everyone can say they have had 3 sets of Moms and Dads in their lives!!
The main thing I give Thanks for is my faith in God. My total belief in Him! Without that I couldn't make it. Knowing HE is ALWAYS with us, that makes life bearable. Without Him, I for one wouldn't have much of a life, or any sanity left. Through all the hardships I have endured, and the ones I have yet to endure, HE is with me!! I know this in my heart, mind, and soul. No doubt whatsoever. The older I get the more I know this.
So, Father, I would like to give Thanks to YOU! Thank-you for my wonderful family, present, past, and future. For my health, I am so blessed to be able to see, touch, and hold my Grandchildren. So many can't say that.
Thank-you for giving me a job I can do. The food I eat, the clothes I wear. The roof over my head. None of that may be fancy, but I HAVE it. So many others don't.
Thank-you for giving Your Son so that I, unworthy though I have been, could be so GREATLY blessed in this life. Without Jesus none of this would have been possible.
Thank-you for making a new home, Austin is there, my parents, Dad Coons, Don Richmond, so many others of my family. Thank-you for taking them Home to be with You. I know they are safe and happy with You. Thank-you for the time I had with each of them.
Thank you for the hardships I have had in my life, I pray they will make me the person You wanted me to become. I thank you Lord for every single person, feeling, tear, laugh, all of what makes my life mine.
Family is an ever changing thing. Marriages, divorces, members moving away, others passing away. Family gets bigger or smaller depending on one or another.
Thanksgiving is a time each person needs to stop! We all have something that tears us apart on any Holiday. For my family, we have a shared grief. We losed our beloved Austin, 2 years ago on Nov. 29, 2008. At the age of 14, so unexspectedly!!
But, as I said, we each need to stop---remember what Austin would have wanted, what God wants. This is the time we as a people have set aside to give Thanks to God!!
Granted, we should be thanking Him each and everyday in our prayers. Just the same, as a Nation we set this as a legal Holiday to give Thanks.
Each of us can easily make a list of what is wrong in our lives. Death of a loved one, health of self or other family member, finances, etc.
This is a day we are supposed to remember what we are THANKFUL for!!! I have so many blessings to be Thankful for! A husband that loves and needs me. 3 beautiful daughters, who have blessed me with 7 wonderful grandchildren!! I can not say enough of how much I love each of these people, or how proud I am of them. I cannot forget my son-in-law Tim, Heathers husband!!! He was a dear friend before becoming her husband. He is the son I never had.
I have a job that I enjoy and love doing. I am a bus monitor on a special needs bus. Each and everyday is so different, though I am on the same bus with the same children. They range in age from pre-school to 17 years old. Each a joy to be with!!
Yes, we sometimes have a trying time, but somewhere one or the other will end up making ALL of us smile or laugh out loud.
I have married twice in my life. I will stay with Carl to the end of our days. But, I was blessed with GREAT in-laws, BOTH times. I still call my first husbands parents Mom and Dad, though we lost Dad several years ago. His sister is still my sister too. Carls parents I call Mom and Dad also. Not everyone can say they have had 3 sets of Moms and Dads in their lives!!
The main thing I give Thanks for is my faith in God. My total belief in Him! Without that I couldn't make it. Knowing HE is ALWAYS with us, that makes life bearable. Without Him, I for one wouldn't have much of a life, or any sanity left. Through all the hardships I have endured, and the ones I have yet to endure, HE is with me!! I know this in my heart, mind, and soul. No doubt whatsoever. The older I get the more I know this.
So, Father, I would like to give Thanks to YOU! Thank-you for my wonderful family, present, past, and future. For my health, I am so blessed to be able to see, touch, and hold my Grandchildren. So many can't say that.
Thank-you for giving me a job I can do. The food I eat, the clothes I wear. The roof over my head. None of that may be fancy, but I HAVE it. So many others don't.
Thank-you for giving Your Son so that I, unworthy though I have been, could be so GREATLY blessed in this life. Without Jesus none of this would have been possible.
Thank-you for making a new home, Austin is there, my parents, Dad Coons, Don Richmond, so many others of my family. Thank-you for taking them Home to be with You. I know they are safe and happy with You. Thank-you for the time I had with each of them.
Thank you for the hardships I have had in my life, I pray they will make me the person You wanted me to become. I thank you Lord for every single person, feeling, tear, laugh, all of what makes my life mine.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
My children
I have 3 daughters that I am proud of. Yes, there have been some things they have done that I, and them, have NOt been proud of. But, by and large, I AM proud of my children. They are as different as morning, noon, and night.
Heather would be my morning, born at 12:30 p.m., or close to that!! She was as more my teacher than I was hers! Heather makes you THINK she is totally in control, maybe she is. But, I know, she has a soft spot.
When Heather and Tim married they decided that THEIR family came first and foremost, which is EXACTLLY what the Bible says!!!! They put their family first, theirselves, their sons next.
I remember when their firstborn son, Austin, was born. There was a slight chance of losing one or the other, mother or child. Tim picked Heather to save. He asked me what should he do?? I said "Do you want to know what you are I would say, or what Heather would say"?
He said is there a difference? I said "oh yes"!! You will pick your wife. I, like Heather, would pick my child. Therefore you and I would pick Heather, but, like I would have if it was her or me, SHE will pick her child!!
Luckily it didn't come to that. But that leads to another story of our lives.
Wendy would be my noon child. Literally in the middle.Though she was born at 11:27 p.m. She, like me, is never sure if she is right or wrong. Is she loved, or just there? Tries so hard to fit in that there is NO way she can, like me.
I was the baby, Wendy was the baby for 8 years.
Raven is the night child, born at 9:13 p.m.She, therefor, was the "baby". But, she was actually like starting all over. Which, in a sense, makes her the firstborn and the baby. It shows in her life too. She is WAY more sure of herself than Wendy could EVER be, but at the same time, she exspects mom and dad to help her when needed. Which is how she was raised.
I feel so sorry for, yet admire, Heather. She almost NEVER asked for ANY kind of help. It's like she and Tim think there is NO one but each other to depend on. Which is actually GREAT. They do know IF they need us, we ARE there for them. But they don't ask!!
All I can say, and I hope each of them knows, is we ARE and WILL be there for each of them whenever, or if ever, they need us!!
I DO love my children differently, BUT I do NOT love one more than the others.
y
Heather would be my morning, born at 12:30 p.m., or close to that!! She was as more my teacher than I was hers! Heather makes you THINK she is totally in control, maybe she is. But, I know, she has a soft spot.
When Heather and Tim married they decided that THEIR family came first and foremost, which is EXACTLLY what the Bible says!!!! They put their family first, theirselves, their sons next.
I remember when their firstborn son, Austin, was born. There was a slight chance of losing one or the other, mother or child. Tim picked Heather to save. He asked me what should he do?? I said "Do you want to know what you are I would say, or what Heather would say"?
He said is there a difference? I said "oh yes"!! You will pick your wife. I, like Heather, would pick my child. Therefore you and I would pick Heather, but, like I would have if it was her or me, SHE will pick her child!!
Luckily it didn't come to that. But that leads to another story of our lives.
Wendy would be my noon child. Literally in the middle.Though she was born at 11:27 p.m. She, like me, is never sure if she is right or wrong. Is she loved, or just there? Tries so hard to fit in that there is NO way she can, like me.
I was the baby, Wendy was the baby for 8 years.
Raven is the night child, born at 9:13 p.m.She, therefor, was the "baby". But, she was actually like starting all over. Which, in a sense, makes her the firstborn and the baby. It shows in her life too. She is WAY more sure of herself than Wendy could EVER be, but at the same time, she exspects mom and dad to help her when needed. Which is how she was raised.
I feel so sorry for, yet admire, Heather. She almost NEVER asked for ANY kind of help. It's like she and Tim think there is NO one but each other to depend on. Which is actually GREAT. They do know IF they need us, we ARE there for them. But they don't ask!!
All I can say, and I hope each of them knows, is we ARE and WILL be there for each of them whenever, or if ever, they need us!!
I DO love my children differently, BUT I do NOT love one more than the others.
y
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Learning to trust in God more
I have NEVER had a problem with knowing there is a God. Never had trouble praying. Even though we weren't brought up in a church, we were raised to believe in God.
Losing Austin brought us such pain, but NEVER made us doubt God! That is our one certainty, Austin IS with our Lord!!! Without that knowledge I couldn't have survived it at all.
His death did open my eyes, made me realize there are NO certainties in this life except that one day we will all die. There is no set order. We all think the older people go first. We know it happens to others, but never to us, SO not true!!!
But, since his death, I HAVE turned to God more. I pray more often. I believe more deeply. When I get upset over anything sooner or later I start asking God to take it away, to help me get over it.
I am still human enough to be afraid. Afraid that whatever my problem is the solution won't be to my liking. I know that the song "Unanswered Prayers" hits it right. Our answers are NOT always what we think they should be, that's where faith comes in. You have to KNOW God will do what He KNOWS is best for you, not what you think is best. Which is why most days my last words to Him are "I leave it in Your hands". That is the best way I can describe trust.
Losing Austin brought us such pain, but NEVER made us doubt God! That is our one certainty, Austin IS with our Lord!!! Without that knowledge I couldn't have survived it at all.
His death did open my eyes, made me realize there are NO certainties in this life except that one day we will all die. There is no set order. We all think the older people go first. We know it happens to others, but never to us, SO not true!!!
But, since his death, I HAVE turned to God more. I pray more often. I believe more deeply. When I get upset over anything sooner or later I start asking God to take it away, to help me get over it.
I am still human enough to be afraid. Afraid that whatever my problem is the solution won't be to my liking. I know that the song "Unanswered Prayers" hits it right. Our answers are NOT always what we think they should be, that's where faith comes in. You have to KNOW God will do what He KNOWS is best for you, not what you think is best. Which is why most days my last words to Him are "I leave it in Your hands". That is the best way I can describe trust.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Meaning of life?
Do we ever REALLY know why we are here? Will we ever find out the reason we are here? Some days I'm fine not knowing, most days actually. Other days it just seems so hard to even get out of the bed.
I'm sure menopause has a lot to do with it, though how long does it take to go through menopause, it's been almost 4 yrs! Depression, feeling worthless or useless, the total sadness. My age doesn't bother me, the one sure fact of life is when you are born you will die someday. Age doesn't matter.
That I suppose is part of it. MY age doesn't bother me, losing Austin, my first born grandchild, at such a young age,14, does. It messed with what I consider the order of life. I was supposed to go before him, so were his parents, but it didn't work that way.
I know he is in a better place, but some days it doesn't help to know that. I know he would rather be in Heaven than here, who wouldn't?? But we all miss him so much!!
Why do some of us live a long life and others don't? The song "Only the good die young" comes to mind when I think of Austin. But, there are "good" people that live long lives. Some of them have hard deaths, what's fair about that? At least Austin didn't suffer. I am eternally grateful for that!!
Losing him didn't "test my faith", I know God exists. He has always been and will always be. He didn't "take" Austin to hurt us. If He took him it was because He needed him, Austins work here was done, or to keep him from suffering later. Could be all 3 for that matter.
I have had a few close calls with death, but yet I still live. Does that mean I haven't "done" what I'm here for? Do some of us have more to do than others? Or do we have to prove our worth before we can go Home?
I doubt that I will ever find the answers to these questions in this lifetime. But, maybe, I will after my death. If I am one of the chosen to go to Heaven. I pray for my husband, children, grandchildren, and son-in-law everyday. I pray they are chosen.
They are ALL good people!! They have all had a lot to deal with in this life, and deserve an everlasting life of goodness and love. At least, that's my opinion. But I don't make that decision, hence my daily prayers.
I'm sure menopause has a lot to do with it, though how long does it take to go through menopause, it's been almost 4 yrs! Depression, feeling worthless or useless, the total sadness. My age doesn't bother me, the one sure fact of life is when you are born you will die someday. Age doesn't matter.
That I suppose is part of it. MY age doesn't bother me, losing Austin, my first born grandchild, at such a young age,14, does. It messed with what I consider the order of life. I was supposed to go before him, so were his parents, but it didn't work that way.
I know he is in a better place, but some days it doesn't help to know that. I know he would rather be in Heaven than here, who wouldn't?? But we all miss him so much!!
Why do some of us live a long life and others don't? The song "Only the good die young" comes to mind when I think of Austin. But, there are "good" people that live long lives. Some of them have hard deaths, what's fair about that? At least Austin didn't suffer. I am eternally grateful for that!!
Losing him didn't "test my faith", I know God exists. He has always been and will always be. He didn't "take" Austin to hurt us. If He took him it was because He needed him, Austins work here was done, or to keep him from suffering later. Could be all 3 for that matter.
I have had a few close calls with death, but yet I still live. Does that mean I haven't "done" what I'm here for? Do some of us have more to do than others? Or do we have to prove our worth before we can go Home?
I doubt that I will ever find the answers to these questions in this lifetime. But, maybe, I will after my death. If I am one of the chosen to go to Heaven. I pray for my husband, children, grandchildren, and son-in-law everyday. I pray they are chosen.
They are ALL good people!! They have all had a lot to deal with in this life, and deserve an everlasting life of goodness and love. At least, that's my opinion. But I don't make that decision, hence my daily prayers.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Poem for Austin
God, please help my family to mend
Don't let us break, but teach us to bend.
It has been a year of pain today,
A year since part of our hearts were ripped away.
365 days we have tried to cope,
To end the pain there is no hope.
We are left with the rest of our years,
To drown in, to try, to hide our tears.
Now oneday runs into another,
We hurt so much for father, mother, and younger brother.
14 short years we had our boy,
14 years he gave us laughter and joy.
His younger cousins looked up to him so,
I wish he was here to watch them grow.
We each go on the best we can,
One and all we miss our young man.
Oh what we'd give to see hs smiling face,
Just one more time feel his loving embrace.
We know he is watching from Heaven above,
I know he sends us his undying love.
I'll go to his graveside sometime today,
I go there alot and I sit and I pray.
Today I'll ask the Lord to show me a way,
To help his family, to know what to say.
My Son-in-law, grandson, and daughter I love,
Lord give us some guidance, some help from above.
Give us strength until our lives are through,
Teach us to give all of our pain to You.
It has been a year of pain today,
God our Father please ease it some way.
Unhappy Holidays
Christmas Eve we took my husband, Carl, to the ER because he was acting himself. He wasn't making sense when he talked, just didn't look right either. His BP was 196/116. We told them we thought he had had a small stroke, they told us we were wrong--it was just his BP. They got it down---a little, and sent him home with BP medicine.
Christmas Day he wasn't any better, but carried on for the grandchildren. The whole weekend went this way. We went to Sams Club and I had him buy a BP monitor. His BP was still way up even on medicine. Took him to the doctor and they changed his medicine, they didn't think he'd had a stroke either. His motor skills were just fine, no "drawing" of his face on one side or any such.
New Years Eve, our anniversary, I took him to another doctor. She wasn't sure about a stroke but knew it was more than just BP, told me to take him back to the ER. Thank God there was a different doctor there this time!! He said just because Carl's motor skills weren't affected did NOT mean he had not had a stroke. Said SOMETHING was making his BP stay sky high. They did a CAT scan and found the area of his brain where the stroke happened. Admitted him to the hospital that night. Did blood work and found his sodium was WAY low. Put him on an IV for that. They did two lung x-rays, a MRI confirmed the stroke. They did an ultrasound of his heart, there wasn't any heart damage--Thank God! They checked his carotid arteries in his neck, but never told me what that found. I have to remember to ask that and WHAT caused the stroke in the first place--they never said. They did blood work EVERY morning--which was five. He went in on Thursday night and got out the following Tuesday afternoon. Never did see a doctor Monday or Tuesday. But they had his BP down and his sodium normal.
He has to have occupational and speech therapy. It messed with his memory badly. He can't tell you his birthday, or name several family members. To look at him he looks normal. He acts normally---until you ask him a question, or try to have a conversation with him. He HATES it, wants to go back to work. Thank Goodness he was laid off.
I don't know how long it will be before he is back to normal, if ever. They said his memory may come back--or he may have to relearn what he can't remember.
We lost my oldest grandchild two days after Thanksgiving 2008. I still can't cope with that. Now this in 2009. Scares me to think what may happen before the end of this new year.
Christmas Day he wasn't any better, but carried on for the grandchildren. The whole weekend went this way. We went to Sams Club and I had him buy a BP monitor. His BP was still way up even on medicine. Took him to the doctor and they changed his medicine, they didn't think he'd had a stroke either. His motor skills were just fine, no "drawing" of his face on one side or any such.
New Years Eve, our anniversary, I took him to another doctor. She wasn't sure about a stroke but knew it was more than just BP, told me to take him back to the ER. Thank God there was a different doctor there this time!! He said just because Carl's motor skills weren't affected did NOT mean he had not had a stroke. Said SOMETHING was making his BP stay sky high. They did a CAT scan and found the area of his brain where the stroke happened. Admitted him to the hospital that night. Did blood work and found his sodium was WAY low. Put him on an IV for that. They did two lung x-rays, a MRI confirmed the stroke. They did an ultrasound of his heart, there wasn't any heart damage--Thank God! They checked his carotid arteries in his neck, but never told me what that found. I have to remember to ask that and WHAT caused the stroke in the first place--they never said. They did blood work EVERY morning--which was five. He went in on Thursday night and got out the following Tuesday afternoon. Never did see a doctor Monday or Tuesday. But they had his BP down and his sodium normal.
He has to have occupational and speech therapy. It messed with his memory badly. He can't tell you his birthday, or name several family members. To look at him he looks normal. He acts normally---until you ask him a question, or try to have a conversation with him. He HATES it, wants to go back to work. Thank Goodness he was laid off.
I don't know how long it will be before he is back to normal, if ever. They said his memory may come back--or he may have to relearn what he can't remember.
We lost my oldest grandchild two days after Thanksgiving 2008. I still can't cope with that. Now this in 2009. Scares me to think what may happen before the end of this new year.
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