My recap of 2010

I do have so many things to be thankful for in 2010. My husband survived a stroke from Christmas 2009. He had to retire early, but that will be just fine.

I have enjoyed 6 more grandchildren birthdays. My, but they are growing so fast!!!

I was FINALLY hired full time!! Started subbing in 2007. Weird how it goes. Took me 3 years to get full time, watched another that just started late last year go full time at the same time I did. Ah well, at least I get paid year round now.

I still have the blessing of 3 beautiful daughters, they have brought me so much joy through the years, and blessed me with 7 grandchildren!!

I loved watching their faces when we went to the zoo, TWICE this year!! Well, Heather, Noah, and I snuck off once by ourselves...shhhh! LOL Thats okay, I know Raven took hers sereval times too.

Heather has one of the most amazing loves I have ever been blessed to witness!! They seem to have a fairy tale marriage, but like all marriages there are good times and bad. It's been 2 years since they lost their oldest son, Austin. My first born grandchild. But, together, they are pulling through. They still have the blessing of Noah, he lights up all our lives!! The things that boy can come up with!

Wendy, ah Wendy, she has had a rough road to travel the last year. But she has straightened out her life, she has her girls back....praise the Lord!!! She is on the right track now, trusting more in God than she ever has before. I know He will see her through!!

Then there is Raven, the baby of the group. She LOVES it too!! She has her 2 children, Bryanna and Allen, 13 months apart. She is working and going to school too. She is a GREAT single parent!! Her divorce isn't final yet, but hopefully will be soon. She has had a hard road too.

All 3 of my girls have had a rough 2 years now, but I pray their lives will contiue to improve with the Grace of God! I pray their hard times are behind them for good, that only GOOD things are in store for them the rest of their lives!!!

I finished out the year on medical leave, had surgery on my back. It seems to have stopped that terrible pain that would shoot up and down my legs!! I still have pain, yes, but that was the WORST of it!!!

Now, if I could just get my head straight! I look at all the things I have to be SO thankful for, I have been SO blessed!! The Lord is Great, SO loving!! I know all these things. My heart understands it all, it accepts it all...the good along with the bad. Now if I could just get my head wrapped around it all, get my mind to accept what it wants to refuse.

I have so much to be thankful for this past year, yet I don't look forward to the coming year at all. I know I have Blessings waiting to unfold. I have a wonderful family I AM so thankful for!! I will survive the coming year day by day, just as I did this last one.

I will attempt to Pay It Forward some more this coming year in loving memory of Austin. He so loved to make people smile, to brighten their day, to to lessen their load. He was a lesson in life all in himself, all in his 14 short years he had to teach us. He was a Blessing to behold!!

I will end this year with another anniversary married to the man I love more than I could ever say. We have been together 27 years, but only been married the last 11 of those. We have had some beautiful times together. We have weathered some bad storms. We have come out the other side...together!!! I love you Carl Evans!!

Volcanoes

Today as been a "volcano" day. One of those days you feel the pressure building, waiting to explode. Sometimes it just "seeps" out, other times it flows!

So today has been one of those days where I see how selfish I truly am, how terrible I can be, how deeply I can dislike myself and all I am. When I feel as ugly inside as I do on the outside.

Volcano days don't bother me as much if I am alone, but they tear me apart when I'm not, and I end up "spouting" on an innocent person. Which I did today. Raven was totally innocent of any wrong doing, but I sure can't say the same for me. At least I can say I raised smart girls, she knew when to give up and leave me alone.

I love my family, even though I know this sounds as if I don't. I want only the best for ALL of them, my husband, my girls, Tim, and my precious grandchildren. But best is something I have NEVER been, and today was one of those days that just proves it.

My entire life I have been told to shut up, I talk too much. From my earliest memories I can remember being told to Shut up! You would think in 52 years I could have learned to do that. Which just leads me to realize how selfish and stupid I am.

If I truly put my family first I wouldn't EVER put them through one of my "days". Once again I have told myself THIS is the LAST time!! But, I'm sure, as I always do, I will fail at it again.

It might be different if I enjoyed life. I don't. I just survive it, one day at a time. I can't even remember when I truly did enjoy it. It's been a lot of years!! Oh, there are days I enjoy. People I enjoy. But for the most part, nope. I live each day waiting for it to be the last day I have to endure life.

Call it menopause, grief, old age, selfishness, self disgust, or whatever. To me this life is hell, this is the hell we go through to show us there HAS to be something BETTER to look forward to!

Today has been one of those days I would truly call myself totally crazy, insane, ready to be locked away. The real problem though is that while Raven SAW it today, most of the time I do a damn good job of hiding it! Because I feel that way inside EVERY day. Maybe not the entire day, but at some point I feel it each and every day. I just try to lock it away so no one can see it.

But, today was truly a volcano day. One of those days I could NOT control my inner self, the self I despise. I know there is a halfway decent person in there somewhere, she just doesn't come out very often.

This is NOT a self pity ploy. I despise pity in any form. I don't feel sorry for myself, I feel sorry for my family. I pray my girls don't "catch" it later in life. I truly did think I had this person under control for good. I have been having GREAT days, days I felt more like I did over 5 years ago. But, I noticed the last couple of days, she was trying to come out again. Today she did.

So, to my girls if they read this, I am truly sorry your mother is this person!! You deserve so much more, so much better. The only good thing I can say for myself is that I DO love you!! And I am totally ashamed of myself when I allow her to come out. I'm sorry.

Paying Forward Has It's Own Rewards

Carl and I had some errands and shopping to do the other day. I have had TERRIBLE road rage for the last few years. I blame it on menopause. So this day I decided I would NOT let road rage control me. For once it actually worked.

So I decided to go a step further. I would smile at every person that looked at me, they ALL smiled back! Okay, I thought what else can I do to pay it forward?

Going toward the hams there was a couple having trouble getting through, he was in a wheelchair. We stopped, moved out of their way and let them through. They thanked us.

Then we were looking at hams and I noticed an older woman with a broken arm trying to get a couple of hams. I helped her with them. Her husband started talking to Carl and I while we were choosing the hams. They were very nice people!

Now to the check out counter. We are behind the couple with the gentleman in a wheelchair. We smiled at each other again. As the clerk started adding our purchases I decided to help her bad our groceries. That's when I noticed the couple in front of us had forgotten a bag of groceries! I brought it to the clerks attention, and another employee was able to get it to them before they got out of the store.

We are now heading to our car, there is the couple that was in line in front of us passing in their car. I could tell she was saying Merry Christmas!! I smiled and said Merry Christmas back to her.

We put our purchases in the trunk and proceded to get in the car. Then I noticed a piece of paper under the wiper on the driver side of the car. I got in and read it out loud: "Just wanted to let you know your right front tire is low." Carl and I both smiled.

I was so happy to know that there are others out there who also decided to "Pay It Forward"!!

Sign from my Mom?

I have been so focused on Austin, the Holidays are just so hard without him! But, I have been making a BIG efford do what he would want, to enjoy my time with the rest of the family.

Which brings me closer to my question.

My parents LOVED birds!! They had all kinds of feeders. I bought Mom a book on birds once, she wore it out and asked for another, I found her another one. Daddy liked the bluebirds the best I think. Mom, it was the hawk. Anywhere we went she would watch the countryside for hawks. If there was one out there she'd find it!!

Driving around trying to do Christmas shopping, or going to doctor appointments, I have noticed so MANY hawks!! But, what brings me my question is..... lately, when I'm driving along, usually crying, over a song or a memory..... suddenly, there it is, a hawk. Sitting so majestically on a tree limb or a fence post. So beautiful!!!

Whenever I see a hawk I always think of my mother. Now, I am wondering, is my mom trying to tell me that Austin is just fine?? Is she showing me the one way she KNOWS I will think of her to let me know that Austin is with his great-grandparents and his parental grandparents, safe, loved, and happy.

You would have to know more about my mothers beliefs to understand why I question whether this is the case or not. She didn't believe you went to Heaven or Hell at death, but at the resurrection when Christ comes back for us. So, by her belief, she couldn't show me a sign of any kind.

But, EVERY time I am out and get sad over my grandson, Austin, all of the sudden from out of no where I will see a hawk. Just the sight brings me such an instant feeling of peace!! I feel a warm "glow" for lack of a better word, deep inside me.

Ah well, right or wrong, true or false. I will believe it IS a sign. I just can't feel any other way with the feeling of peace that comes over me at that time, I don't see how it could be anything else!

Christmas without you

I finished my free photo book from Shutterfly. So wish my computer hadn't crashed on me!! Almost all my pictures of Austin are on my computer, I only had a couple on Ravens.

I still find it so hard to make family memories, whatever you want to call it, and NOT include him!! I have SEVEN grandchildren! I will ALWAYS have SEVEN!!! I can't seem to make myself move on, it feels like losing him all over again.

I mantain relatively well. I love my family more than anything in this world! They are my gift from God. I know they belong to Him first and foremost. I know that at some point in time He will call each one home to Him. It's the order of the call I find so hard to deal with.

I know we have to keep making new memories for all the other grandchildren. I also know that Austin is on our minds with every new memory we make. That should make me feel better I guess, but it doesn't.

Yet, at the same time, if I could I would take the pain of his passing away from every member of my family and carry it myself. There are so many degrees of this kind of pain.

The pain of losing one you love, then the pain of watching the rest of the people you love suffer through that lose themselves. If I could just take their pain away I think I could deal with my own so much better!

I know I have to find my path. I try to follow Heathers' guidance. That child of mine is so wise!! Yet, I am her mother, so I know how she hides things herself. Hence my point, a mother protects her child from pain. I can't do that for her!!
I want to, but I can't. I pray for the ablitity to do so, but I know we each have to carry it alone.

So, I WILL pick myself up. I will live my life to the fullest. I will enjoy my time here with my family. I will try to live up to his memory, to make him proud of me.

I just have to find the way to tuck him in bed, in my heart, mind, and soul. To know that one day I will look upon that beautiful smiling face, and feel that big Blair Bear Hug again!!!

I refuse to say good-bye to him. But, I will learn to say until I see you again. Always in my heart, mind, and soul. Forever loved and remembered.

Wrap Austin in Your arms sweet Lord, until I can wrap him in mine once again.

Our Angel Man

Today marks two years since you had to go away.
Two years and I still don't quiet know what to say.
The easy words are I love you and miss you.
The hard words are the ones that tore my world into.

To try to say good-bye to you,
Was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
But, at the same time I never did say it.
I'll see and hold you again in a bit.

It may be tomorrow or twenty more years.
I know it will be after thousands of tears.
You made us all so very proud,
We are thankful for the time we were allowed.

I can close my eyes and see your smiling face,
I thank God for giving me my special place.
To be a part of your beautiful life and growth,
Thank you Lord for my small part in both!

Physically you may be gone,
But your work will carry on.
Though we are so far apart,
We will carry you always in our hearts.

Remember Our Young Angel Man,
That before your life even began,
You were and are always will be,
A huge part of the best of me.

Thanksgiving Day 2010

Thanksgiving remains the same in the sense of my family coming together. Sometimes some can't stay as long as we'd like, but at least at some point we are ALL together!

We have made some changes the last 2 years. Always before it would be at Carls and my house. Last year we moved it to Heathers and Tims, my oldest daughter. Tims mom wasn't able to prepare dinner like she always had before, so Heather cooked for his family, and invited hers too.

This year was different yet again. Last year was our first without Austin, this year we had to go on without June, Tims mom. But I know they were together in Heaven smiling down on us, rejoicing that we carry on even though it still hurts.

This was the first year Carls mom didn't fix a meal. She went to his brothers house. I feel like she just couldn't do it without Don there, we lost him this year too.

Yet we have to TRY to stay postive, to meet each day head-on. To be all we can be, for ourselves and for each other.

Yes, we can look back and remember past Holidays. Days all our loved ones were still here with us. But we have to look forward too. We have other family members and they are just as important to us.

So, until we can all be together again, we will take each day as it comes. We will find something to smile about, even if we also find something to cry about. Thats what life is, ups and downs. We just have to learn to balance them, though its great if the ups throw us off balance some!!

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving has always been a family time, for as long as I can remember. I remember my Mothers' meals, sitting with Daddy and chopping whatever had to be chopped. We never went to a grandparents for Thanksgiving, but Grandma Davis came to ours after Grandpa passed away.

Family is an ever changing thing. Marriages, divorces, members moving away, others passing away. Family gets bigger or smaller depending on one or another.

Thanksgiving is a time each person needs to stop! We all have something that tears us apart on any Holiday. For my family, we have a shared grief. We losed our beloved Austin, 2 years ago on Nov. 29, 2008. At the age of 14, so unexspectedly!!

But, as I said, we each need to stop---remember what Austin would have wanted, what God wants. This is the time we as a people have set aside to give Thanks to God!!
Granted, we should be thanking Him each and everyday in our prayers. Just the same, as a Nation we set this as a legal Holiday to give Thanks.

Each of us can easily make a list of what is wrong in our lives. Death of a loved one, health of self or other family member, finances, etc.

This is a day we are supposed to remember what we are THANKFUL for!!! I have so many blessings to be Thankful for! A husband that loves and needs me. 3 beautiful daughters, who have blessed me with 7 wonderful grandchildren!! I can not say enough of how much I love each of these people, or how proud I am of them. I cannot forget my son-in-law Tim, Heathers husband!!! He was a dear friend before becoming her husband. He is the son I never had.

I have a job that I enjoy and love doing. I am a bus monitor on a special needs bus. Each and everyday is so different, though I am on the same bus with the same children. They range in age from pre-school to 17 years old. Each a joy to be with!!
Yes, we sometimes have a trying time, but somewhere one or the other will end up making ALL of us smile or laugh out loud.

I have married twice in my life. I will stay with Carl to the end of our days. But, I was blessed with GREAT in-laws, BOTH times. I still call my first husbands parents Mom and Dad, though we lost Dad several years ago. His sister is still my sister too. Carls parents I call Mom and Dad also. Not everyone can say they have had 3 sets of Moms and Dads in their lives!!

The main thing I give Thanks for is my faith in God. My total belief in Him! Without that I couldn't make it. Knowing HE is ALWAYS with us, that makes life bearable. Without Him, I for one wouldn't have much of a life, or any sanity left. Through all the hardships I have endured, and the ones I have yet to endure, HE is with me!! I know this in my heart, mind, and soul. No doubt whatsoever. The older I get the more I know this.

So, Father, I would like to give Thanks to YOU! Thank-you for my wonderful family, present, past, and future. For my health, I am so blessed to be able to see, touch, and hold my Grandchildren. So many can't say that.

Thank-you for giving me a job I can do. The food I eat, the clothes I wear. The roof over my head. None of that may be fancy, but I HAVE it. So many others don't.

Thank-you for giving Your Son so that I, unworthy though I have been, could be so GREATLY blessed in this life. Without Jesus none of this would have been possible.

Thank-you for making a new home, Austin is there, my parents, Dad Coons, Don Richmond, so many others of my family. Thank-you for taking them Home to be with You. I know they are safe and happy with You. Thank-you for the time I had with each of them.

Thank you for the hardships I have had in my life, I pray they will make me the person You wanted me to become. I thank you Lord for every single person, feeling, tear, laugh, all of what makes my life mine.

My children

I have 3 daughters that I am proud of. Yes, there have been some things they have done that I, and them, have NOt been proud of. But, by and large, I AM proud of my children. They are as different as morning, noon, and night.

Heather would be my morning, born at 12:30 p.m., or close to that!! She was as more my teacher than I was hers! Heather makes you THINK she is totally in control, maybe she is. But, I know, she has a soft spot.
When Heather and Tim married they decided that THEIR family came first and foremost, which is EXACTLLY what the Bible says!!!! They put their family first, theirselves, their sons next.

I remember when their firstborn son, Austin, was born. There was a slight chance of losing one or the other, mother or child. Tim picked Heather to save. He asked me what should he do?? I said "Do you want to know what you are I would say, or what Heather would say"?
He said is there a difference? I said "oh yes"!! You will pick your wife. I, like Heather, would pick my child. Therefore you and I would pick Heather, but, like I would have if it was her or me, SHE will pick her child!!
Luckily it didn't come to that. But that leads to another story of our lives.

Wendy would be my noon child. Literally in the middle.Though she was born at 11:27 p.m. She, like me, is never sure if she is right or wrong. Is she loved, or just there? Tries so hard to fit in that there is NO way she can, like me.
I was the baby, Wendy was the baby for 8 years.

Raven is the night child, born at 9:13 p.m.She, therefor, was the "baby". But, she was actually like starting all over. Which, in a sense, makes her the firstborn and the baby. It shows in her life too. She is WAY more sure of herself than Wendy could EVER be, but at the same time, she exspects mom and dad to help her when needed. Which is how she was raised.

I feel so sorry for, yet admire, Heather. She almost NEVER asked for ANY kind of help. It's like she and Tim think there is NO one but each other to depend on. Which is actually GREAT. They do know IF they need us, we ARE there for them. But they don't ask!!

All I can say, and I hope each of them knows, is we ARE and WILL be there for each of them whenever, or if ever, they need us!!

I DO love my children differently, BUT I do NOT love one more than the others.















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Learning to trust in God more

I have NEVER had a problem with knowing there is a God. Never had trouble praying. Even though we weren't brought up in a church, we were raised to believe in God.

Losing Austin brought us such pain, but NEVER made us doubt God! That is our one certainty, Austin IS with our Lord!!! Without that knowledge I couldn't have survived it at all.

His death did open my eyes, made me realize there are NO certainties in this life except that one day we will all die. There is no set order. We all think the older people go first. We know it happens to others, but never to us, SO not true!!!

But, since his death, I HAVE turned to God more. I pray more often. I believe more deeply. When I get upset over anything sooner or later I start asking God to take it away, to help me get over it.

I am still human enough to be afraid. Afraid that whatever my problem is the solution won't be to my liking. I know that the song "Unanswered Prayers" hits it right. Our answers are NOT always what we think they should be, that's where faith comes in. You have to KNOW God will do what He KNOWS is best for you, not what you think is best. Which is why most days my last words to Him are "I leave it in Your hands". That is the best way I can describe trust.

Meaning of life?

Do we ever REALLY know why we are here? Will we ever find out the reason we are here? Some days I'm fine not knowing, most days actually. Other days it just seems so hard to even get out of the bed.

I'm sure menopause has a lot to do with it, though how long does it take to go through menopause, it's been almost 4 yrs! Depression, feeling worthless or useless, the total sadness. My age doesn't bother me, the one sure fact of life is when you are born you will die someday. Age doesn't matter.

That I suppose is part of it. MY age doesn't bother me, losing Austin, my first born grandchild, at such a young age,14, does. It messed with what I consider the order of life. I was supposed to go before him, so were his parents, but it didn't work that way.

I know he is in a better place, but some days it doesn't help to know that. I know he would rather be in Heaven than here, who wouldn't?? But we all miss him so much!!

Why do some of us live a long life and others don't? The song "Only the good die young" comes to mind when I think of Austin. But, there are "good" people that live long lives. Some of them have hard deaths, what's fair about that? At least Austin didn't suffer. I am eternally grateful for that!!

Losing him didn't "test my faith", I know God exists. He has always been and will always be. He didn't "take" Austin to hurt us. If He took him it was because He needed him, Austins work here was done, or to keep him from suffering later. Could be all 3 for that matter.

I have had a few close calls with death, but yet I still live. Does that mean I haven't "done" what I'm here for? Do some of us have more to do than others? Or do we have to prove our worth before we can go Home?

I doubt that I will ever find the answers to these questions in this lifetime. But, maybe, I will after my death. If I am one of the chosen to go to Heaven. I pray for my husband, children, grandchildren, and son-in-law everyday. I pray they are chosen.
They are ALL good people!! They have all had a lot to deal with in this life, and deserve an everlasting life of goodness and love. At least, that's my opinion. But I don't make that decision, hence my daily prayers.

Poem for Austin

God, please help my family to mend
Don't let us break, but teach us to bend.
It has been a year of pain today,
A year since part of our hearts were ripped away.
365 days we have tried to cope,
To end the pain there is no hope.
We are left with the rest of our years,
To drown in, to try, to hide our tears.
Now oneday runs into another,
We hurt so much for father, mother, and younger brother.
14 short years we had our boy,
14 years he gave us laughter and joy.
His younger cousins looked up to him so,
I wish he was here to watch them grow.
We each go on the best we can,
One and all we miss our young man.
Oh what we'd give to see hs smiling face,
Just one more time feel his loving embrace.
We know he is watching from Heaven above,
I know he sends us his undying love.
I'll go to his graveside sometime today,
I go there alot and I sit and I pray.
Today I'll ask the Lord to show me a way,
To help his family, to know what to say.
My Son-in-law, grandson, and daughter I love,
Lord give us some guidance, some help from above.
Give us strength until our lives are through,
Teach us to give all of our pain to You.
It has been a year of pain today,
God our Father please ease it some way.

Unhappy Holidays

Christmas Eve we took my husband, Carl, to the ER because he was acting himself. He wasn't making sense when he talked, just didn't look right either. His BP was 196/116. We told them we thought he had had a small stroke, they told us we were wrong--it was just his BP. They got it down---a little, and sent him home with BP medicine.

Christmas Day he wasn't any better, but carried on for the grandchildren. The whole weekend went this way. We went to Sams Club and I had him buy a BP monitor. His BP was still way up even on medicine. Took him to the doctor and they changed his medicine, they didn't think he'd had a stroke either. His motor skills were just fine, no "drawing" of his face on one side or any such.

New Years Eve, our anniversary, I took him to another doctor. She wasn't sure about a stroke but knew it was more than just BP, told me to take him back to the ER. Thank God there was a different doctor there this time!! He said just because Carl's motor skills weren't affected did NOT mean he had not had a stroke. Said SOMETHING was making his BP stay sky high. They did a CAT scan and found the area of his brain where the stroke happened. Admitted him to the hospital that night. Did blood work and found his sodium was WAY low. Put him on an IV for that. They did two lung x-rays, a MRI confirmed the stroke. They did an ultrasound of his heart, there wasn't any heart damage--Thank God! They checked his carotid arteries in his neck, but never told me what that found. I have to remember to ask that and WHAT caused the stroke in the first place--they never said. They did blood work EVERY morning--which was five. He went in on Thursday night and got out the following Tuesday afternoon. Never did see a doctor Monday or Tuesday. But they had his BP down and his sodium normal.

He has to have occupational and speech therapy. It messed with his memory badly. He can't tell you his birthday, or name several family members. To look at him he looks normal. He acts normally---until you ask him a question, or try to have a conversation with him. He HATES it, wants to go back to work. Thank Goodness he was laid off.

I don't know how long it will be before he is back to normal, if ever. They said his memory may come back--or he may have to relearn what he can't remember.

We lost my oldest grandchild two days after Thanksgiving 2008. I still can't cope with that. Now this in 2009. Scares me to think what may happen before the end of this new year.