Do we ever REALLY know why we are here? Will we ever find out the reason we are here? Some days I'm fine not knowing, most days actually. Other days it just seems so hard to even get out of the bed.
I'm sure menopause has a lot to do with it, though how long does it take to go through menopause, it's been almost 4 yrs! Depression, feeling worthless or useless, the total sadness. My age doesn't bother me, the one sure fact of life is when you are born you will die someday. Age doesn't matter.
That I suppose is part of it. MY age doesn't bother me, losing Austin, my first born grandchild, at such a young age,14, does. It messed with what I consider the order of life. I was supposed to go before him, so were his parents, but it didn't work that way.
I know he is in a better place, but some days it doesn't help to know that. I know he would rather be in Heaven than here, who wouldn't?? But we all miss him so much!!
Why do some of us live a long life and others don't? The song "Only the good die young" comes to mind when I think of Austin. But, there are "good" people that live long lives. Some of them have hard deaths, what's fair about that? At least Austin didn't suffer. I am eternally grateful for that!!
Losing him didn't "test my faith", I know God exists. He has always been and will always be. He didn't "take" Austin to hurt us. If He took him it was because He needed him, Austins work here was done, or to keep him from suffering later. Could be all 3 for that matter.
I have had a few close calls with death, but yet I still live. Does that mean I haven't "done" what I'm here for? Do some of us have more to do than others? Or do we have to prove our worth before we can go Home?
I doubt that I will ever find the answers to these questions in this lifetime. But, maybe, I will after my death. If I am one of the chosen to go to Heaven. I pray for my husband, children, grandchildren, and son-in-law everyday. I pray they are chosen.
They are ALL good people!! They have all had a lot to deal with in this life, and deserve an everlasting life of goodness and love. At least, that's my opinion. But I don't make that decision, hence my daily prayers.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Poem for Austin
God, please help my family to mend
Don't let us break, but teach us to bend.
It has been a year of pain today,
A year since part of our hearts were ripped away.
365 days we have tried to cope,
To end the pain there is no hope.
We are left with the rest of our years,
To drown in, to try, to hide our tears.
Now oneday runs into another,
We hurt so much for father, mother, and younger brother.
14 short years we had our boy,
14 years he gave us laughter and joy.
His younger cousins looked up to him so,
I wish he was here to watch them grow.
We each go on the best we can,
One and all we miss our young man.
Oh what we'd give to see hs smiling face,
Just one more time feel his loving embrace.
We know he is watching from Heaven above,
I know he sends us his undying love.
I'll go to his graveside sometime today,
I go there alot and I sit and I pray.
Today I'll ask the Lord to show me a way,
To help his family, to know what to say.
My Son-in-law, grandson, and daughter I love,
Lord give us some guidance, some help from above.
Give us strength until our lives are through,
Teach us to give all of our pain to You.
It has been a year of pain today,
God our Father please ease it some way.
Unhappy Holidays
Christmas Eve we took my husband, Carl, to the ER because he was acting himself. He wasn't making sense when he talked, just didn't look right either. His BP was 196/116. We told them we thought he had had a small stroke, they told us we were wrong--it was just his BP. They got it down---a little, and sent him home with BP medicine.
Christmas Day he wasn't any better, but carried on for the grandchildren. The whole weekend went this way. We went to Sams Club and I had him buy a BP monitor. His BP was still way up even on medicine. Took him to the doctor and they changed his medicine, they didn't think he'd had a stroke either. His motor skills were just fine, no "drawing" of his face on one side or any such.
New Years Eve, our anniversary, I took him to another doctor. She wasn't sure about a stroke but knew it was more than just BP, told me to take him back to the ER. Thank God there was a different doctor there this time!! He said just because Carl's motor skills weren't affected did NOT mean he had not had a stroke. Said SOMETHING was making his BP stay sky high. They did a CAT scan and found the area of his brain where the stroke happened. Admitted him to the hospital that night. Did blood work and found his sodium was WAY low. Put him on an IV for that. They did two lung x-rays, a MRI confirmed the stroke. They did an ultrasound of his heart, there wasn't any heart damage--Thank God! They checked his carotid arteries in his neck, but never told me what that found. I have to remember to ask that and WHAT caused the stroke in the first place--they never said. They did blood work EVERY morning--which was five. He went in on Thursday night and got out the following Tuesday afternoon. Never did see a doctor Monday or Tuesday. But they had his BP down and his sodium normal.
He has to have occupational and speech therapy. It messed with his memory badly. He can't tell you his birthday, or name several family members. To look at him he looks normal. He acts normally---until you ask him a question, or try to have a conversation with him. He HATES it, wants to go back to work. Thank Goodness he was laid off.
I don't know how long it will be before he is back to normal, if ever. They said his memory may come back--or he may have to relearn what he can't remember.
We lost my oldest grandchild two days after Thanksgiving 2008. I still can't cope with that. Now this in 2009. Scares me to think what may happen before the end of this new year.
Christmas Day he wasn't any better, but carried on for the grandchildren. The whole weekend went this way. We went to Sams Club and I had him buy a BP monitor. His BP was still way up even on medicine. Took him to the doctor and they changed his medicine, they didn't think he'd had a stroke either. His motor skills were just fine, no "drawing" of his face on one side or any such.
New Years Eve, our anniversary, I took him to another doctor. She wasn't sure about a stroke but knew it was more than just BP, told me to take him back to the ER. Thank God there was a different doctor there this time!! He said just because Carl's motor skills weren't affected did NOT mean he had not had a stroke. Said SOMETHING was making his BP stay sky high. They did a CAT scan and found the area of his brain where the stroke happened. Admitted him to the hospital that night. Did blood work and found his sodium was WAY low. Put him on an IV for that. They did two lung x-rays, a MRI confirmed the stroke. They did an ultrasound of his heart, there wasn't any heart damage--Thank God! They checked his carotid arteries in his neck, but never told me what that found. I have to remember to ask that and WHAT caused the stroke in the first place--they never said. They did blood work EVERY morning--which was five. He went in on Thursday night and got out the following Tuesday afternoon. Never did see a doctor Monday or Tuesday. But they had his BP down and his sodium normal.
He has to have occupational and speech therapy. It messed with his memory badly. He can't tell you his birthday, or name several family members. To look at him he looks normal. He acts normally---until you ask him a question, or try to have a conversation with him. He HATES it, wants to go back to work. Thank Goodness he was laid off.
I don't know how long it will be before he is back to normal, if ever. They said his memory may come back--or he may have to relearn what he can't remember.
We lost my oldest grandchild two days after Thanksgiving 2008. I still can't cope with that. Now this in 2009. Scares me to think what may happen before the end of this new year.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
How to begin?
My journey started over 35 years ago. As with any journey there have been highs and lows, mountains and molehills, pain and joy, laughter and tears. So my telling of my journey will be some of the same, with alot of back and forth thrown in. By back and forth I mean with the years, I will start with the here and now, but I will walk in time. Backward thru the years, to the present and the possible future.
As with my life, there will be good, happy posts along with sad, upsetting posts. There will also be posts that probably won't make sense to anyone but me, at least I hope I will understand them!
Anyway, welcome to my blog. Come and go as you please, stay as long as you like. Bring your coffee, tea, whatever. Plan on tissues too. I do have a way of making people cry, though sometimes it is from laughter and humor.
So, after I post this I will post a poem I wrote on Nov. 29th. Later blogs will explain the poem to its' full extent. Whether I myself will ever be explained remains to be seen.
In any case: Welcome to my world!!
As with my life, there will be good, happy posts along with sad, upsetting posts. There will also be posts that probably won't make sense to anyone but me, at least I hope I will understand them!
Anyway, welcome to my blog. Come and go as you please, stay as long as you like. Bring your coffee, tea, whatever. Plan on tissues too. I do have a way of making people cry, though sometimes it is from laughter and humor.
So, after I post this I will post a poem I wrote on Nov. 29th. Later blogs will explain the poem to its' full extent. Whether I myself will ever be explained remains to be seen.
In any case: Welcome to my world!!
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