I'll Never Learn

I'll be 53 years old this July. You'd think in all those years I would have learned to keep my mouth shut. But no, not me. I love too deeply, always forgive those I love regardless of what they do or say. That I refuse to change. But, I do wish I'd learn to control my temper and shut my mouth.

I have paid very high prices through the years by not learning to keep my mouth shut. I have now paid the highest price yet I guess. I do wish I could take back the words I said, but it's too late, I said them. Now I will have to learn to live with what I caused to happen.

Through EVERY thing I have EVER gone through, I have NEVER stopped loving ANY member of my family. I won't start now either. There is NO force that can make me do that. I am no stranger to the pain of losing someone I love, but I won't stop loving them in return.

I can, and have, forgiven any and all words that have been said to me that have caused me pain. That's what love is all about. Just like that new song Tina asked me about the other day, "Love Don't Run". Guess that will be my new theme song.

Of course God is foremost on my list of loved ones. Then comes my family. My husband, my three daughters, my seven grandchildren, my son-in-law. Then comes other family and friends. I have tried to be there whenever any of them needed me.

I have loaned money, knowing I'd never get it back. I have cleaned houses for some of my family, ran errands, babysat, took places, tried to protect. I have bent over backwards. I don't regret any of it.

But, maybe, at times I have done too much. I have been neglected and ignored, used and walked over. That's okay though, I still love them one and all, and I always will. It is my fault that I have done it all, but I would probably do it again if I had it to do over. "Love don't run, love don't hide".

I am sorry for the way some things have turned out. Especially today. But I can't turn back time. Right now I really like that song by Cher..."If I Could Turn Back Time, If I Could Find A Way, I'd Take Back The Words That Hurt You". But I can't.

Our life course

I was chatting with an old friend recently. They asked a question that many of us ask ourselves at some point in life. If I could go back and change the course of my life would I? I have thought about that throughout my life. But, each time, I have answered no.

Yes, there are things I wish could have been different. Don't get me wrong on that. First and foremost, we wouldn't have lost Austin!! No one would choose to go through that pain.
Yes, I have made mistakes I wish I could undo. Who hasn't?

I've thought about the crossroads in my life. You know the ones, where you made a choice that you may wish you hadn't, what would your life have been if you had chosen differently. But I always come back to where I am now.

I believe in and love God. I love my family. I believe God has a plan for each of us. We may live our entire lives never knowing what His plan was, but it happened. It happened when He decided, however He chose.

That isn't saying that I believe God makes us suffer through illness or accidents. God loves us, but He gave us the right to chose for ourselves. We share this planet with millions. So, of course, we suffer when others make choices also.

The child that decides to take a gun to school. The drunk that gets behind the wheel of a car. Someone elses choice can affect our life along with theirs.

But when you talk of your life, choices such as who we married, those are the choices I mean I wouldn't change. I wish my first marriage hadn't been abusive, but I have two beautiful daughters from that union. Therefore I wouldn't change a thing. To change who I married then would have changed who my children are now.

One change, one tiny thing, could take my family out of my life. Oh, I realize that I could have had a family with someone else. Might have had a much easier life for myself. But, it wouldn't be the family I have now. Thats the family I love, the ones that brighten my days, worry to my nights, love to my soul.

This is the family I know and love. I wouldn't change a thing. All the tears, the pain, the laughter, the love.....that is a family. We share those things together. We support, we fight, we forgive. We share things, we hide things, we wish.

I wish Heather hadn't felt the pain of losing Austin. I wish Wendy hadn't had the pain of two bad marriages, a year without her girls, the pain of Larry staying with his dad. I wish Ravens marriage had been a good one. But I wouldn't change a thing. I wish I could carry their pain for them, I gladly would, but that would change them too.

I know they feel like I do, they have their children....they wouldn't change that just to stop pain. Our choices got us here, now. If we had made different choices we would be different people. That doesn't mean we would be better people, happier, healthier, better off.

If I hadn't met Carl, Heather probably would never have met Tim. Raven would never have been born. Wendy would have walked a different path too.
No, I am where I should be. This is my life. The good along with the bad. But its mine, no one elses.

When we are young we never realize ONE choice can affect SO many people!! A life could literally take a million different courses, all we will ever know for sure is the one we took. Yes, I could have lived a different life.....but I think I'll just keep the one I have, it's been a good one!

Mothers Day

Mothers Day invokes so many memories for me. I remember making things at school for my mother, thinking they were the grandest things a mom could get!

To being a mother and receiving similar gifts from my girls, and knowing they WERE the grandest gifts a mother could get! To know their sweet hands made those gifts, the sweet smiles, the excitement on their faces to give them to me. Those are my best memories of this holiday.

The next best was watching my girls become mothers, being able to share this wondrous day with them. To see how sweetly my grandchildren honored their mothers. Mothers Day was always a favorite of mine.

Not for the presents from my children. But, for the present the Good Lord above gave to me!! Three beautiful pink packages that He entrusted to ME to take care of. Such an amazing gift, and such trust He showed for me to try to do Him justice in raising these beautiful girls! I thank Him everyday for that trust, for the joyful journey of being a mother.

Though I still love this holiday, it now is bittersweet to me. My mother is gone, no more chances to show her I did, and do, love her. But even that pain is overshadowed by another. No mother ever wants to watch one of her children suffer pain, especially a pain she can't fix. A pain she can share in part, but doesn't know how to ease it for her child. That's where I stand with Heather, my precious firstborn.

She is such an amazing woman, this young lady the Lord trusted me with, I love her SO much!! I do not take credit for the woman she has become, I give full credit to the Lord above. He created such a beautiful lady that I got the honor to call my daughter!

Two handsome blue bundles she was blessed with! She gave me the honor of my first grandchild, my first grandson, Austin. OH!!! The memories of watching him grow!!! So sweetly I cherish them!!! I can close my eyes and see him with a handful of Easter flowers he picked for his mommy, the love and the joy in his eyes. I pray I see those beautiful eyes filled with love and joy when the Good Lord decides its our turn to join Austin in Paradise!!!

How she tries to hide the pain. She is such a strong lady!! I admire my daughter, she inspires me to be a better person. But, a mother knows....somehow we just do. Maybe because our child came from our body, the connection never really severs. I try to honor her by pretending I don't see, she knows I do see it. She has to know that, she too is a mother.

A mothers love runs deep, knows no boundaries, never stops. I have the pleasure and joy of my love for my children being extended to my grandchildren they have blessed me with. For what is a Grandmother, but a mother twice blessed!!

As a grandmother I stand in the background. I get to baste in my daughters shadows. It's a great place to be!! It can be like watching them grow up all over again. I get to see the love and pride on their faces for their children, knowing that I too felt that love and pride in them as children. I get to go through it again through watching my grandchildren grow up. It is a two-fold blessing!! To know in advance what my girls are going to feel before they do!! Because I stood there before them.

I have watched Wendy go through such hard times that a lot of women would have given up over. But not my daughter!! Their strength has to come from the Lord, it is too amazing to be from any mortal being.

Wendy has blessed me with two beautiful granddaughters and one handsome grandson. I thank God for her and her children everyday too.

Then there is Raven. Again, my child has gone through so much to be so young. Yet, like her sisters, she has that inner strength from the Lord!! She stands up and takes what shes dealt, pastes a smile on her face, and carries on.

Raven has blessed me with a pink and a blue bundle of joy. Seven precious grandchildren!! Each and every one different from the others. Each unique!!

Oh, the joys and the pain of being a mother!! I wouldn't trade one of them for all the wealth on Earth.
I couldn't, to change just one thing could change EVERY thing!! Though I would love to erase the pain my girls have gone through, I can't, and I wouldn't if I could.

To take away Heathers pain would be to never have had Austin....THAT she would be the first to say she'd never have done!!!! Every instance of pain also brings one of joy. We have our memories. They will sustain us until we are with him again!!
She still has the blessing of Noah and a loving husband, Tim. She would be the first to say she has been blessed by the Lord in so many ways. She is, as I said, an amazing lady!!

Wendy, like her sister, wouldn't change anything either. I know there are things she wishes were different. But we have to walk the path that was laid for us. For every choice we make somewhere there is a price to pay.

Raven also has had her share of heartache. Sometimes I fear I cursed the children I was blessed with!! I want so badly to take their pain and make it mine, mine to carry, my burdens, not theirs.

That is how every mother feels. I just pray that beside each of my girls names it is marked paid in full, no more heartache or pain. Yet, I know that is just wishful thinking. This life is for learning that this isn't life!! This is a test to show us just how badly we need God and the Home He has waiting for us!!

So, to each of my daughters I say Happy Mothers Day!! I love each of you so very much. I am so proud to be able to say these are my daughters, these are my grandchildren!! I could not be greater blessed than I have been to know and love each of these God given people in my life.

Thank you girls for the joy you have brought to my life, for the grandchildren you have blessed me with. I cherish each and everyone of you and of my memories. I love you!!