My recap of 2010

I do have so many things to be thankful for in 2010. My husband survived a stroke from Christmas 2009. He had to retire early, but that will be just fine.

I have enjoyed 6 more grandchildren birthdays. My, but they are growing so fast!!!

I was FINALLY hired full time!! Started subbing in 2007. Weird how it goes. Took me 3 years to get full time, watched another that just started late last year go full time at the same time I did. Ah well, at least I get paid year round now.

I still have the blessing of 3 beautiful daughters, they have brought me so much joy through the years, and blessed me with 7 grandchildren!!

I loved watching their faces when we went to the zoo, TWICE this year!! Well, Heather, Noah, and I snuck off once by ourselves...shhhh! LOL Thats okay, I know Raven took hers sereval times too.

Heather has one of the most amazing loves I have ever been blessed to witness!! They seem to have a fairy tale marriage, but like all marriages there are good times and bad. It's been 2 years since they lost their oldest son, Austin. My first born grandchild. But, together, they are pulling through. They still have the blessing of Noah, he lights up all our lives!! The things that boy can come up with!

Wendy, ah Wendy, she has had a rough road to travel the last year. But she has straightened out her life, she has her girls back....praise the Lord!!! She is on the right track now, trusting more in God than she ever has before. I know He will see her through!!

Then there is Raven, the baby of the group. She LOVES it too!! She has her 2 children, Bryanna and Allen, 13 months apart. She is working and going to school too. She is a GREAT single parent!! Her divorce isn't final yet, but hopefully will be soon. She has had a hard road too.

All 3 of my girls have had a rough 2 years now, but I pray their lives will contiue to improve with the Grace of God! I pray their hard times are behind them for good, that only GOOD things are in store for them the rest of their lives!!!

I finished out the year on medical leave, had surgery on my back. It seems to have stopped that terrible pain that would shoot up and down my legs!! I still have pain, yes, but that was the WORST of it!!!

Now, if I could just get my head straight! I look at all the things I have to be SO thankful for, I have been SO blessed!! The Lord is Great, SO loving!! I know all these things. My heart understands it all, it accepts it all...the good along with the bad. Now if I could just get my head wrapped around it all, get my mind to accept what it wants to refuse.

I have so much to be thankful for this past year, yet I don't look forward to the coming year at all. I know I have Blessings waiting to unfold. I have a wonderful family I AM so thankful for!! I will survive the coming year day by day, just as I did this last one.

I will attempt to Pay It Forward some more this coming year in loving memory of Austin. He so loved to make people smile, to brighten their day, to to lessen their load. He was a lesson in life all in himself, all in his 14 short years he had to teach us. He was a Blessing to behold!!

I will end this year with another anniversary married to the man I love more than I could ever say. We have been together 27 years, but only been married the last 11 of those. We have had some beautiful times together. We have weathered some bad storms. We have come out the other side...together!!! I love you Carl Evans!!

Volcanoes

Today as been a "volcano" day. One of those days you feel the pressure building, waiting to explode. Sometimes it just "seeps" out, other times it flows!

So today has been one of those days where I see how selfish I truly am, how terrible I can be, how deeply I can dislike myself and all I am. When I feel as ugly inside as I do on the outside.

Volcano days don't bother me as much if I am alone, but they tear me apart when I'm not, and I end up "spouting" on an innocent person. Which I did today. Raven was totally innocent of any wrong doing, but I sure can't say the same for me. At least I can say I raised smart girls, she knew when to give up and leave me alone.

I love my family, even though I know this sounds as if I don't. I want only the best for ALL of them, my husband, my girls, Tim, and my precious grandchildren. But best is something I have NEVER been, and today was one of those days that just proves it.

My entire life I have been told to shut up, I talk too much. From my earliest memories I can remember being told to Shut up! You would think in 52 years I could have learned to do that. Which just leads me to realize how selfish and stupid I am.

If I truly put my family first I wouldn't EVER put them through one of my "days". Once again I have told myself THIS is the LAST time!! But, I'm sure, as I always do, I will fail at it again.

It might be different if I enjoyed life. I don't. I just survive it, one day at a time. I can't even remember when I truly did enjoy it. It's been a lot of years!! Oh, there are days I enjoy. People I enjoy. But for the most part, nope. I live each day waiting for it to be the last day I have to endure life.

Call it menopause, grief, old age, selfishness, self disgust, or whatever. To me this life is hell, this is the hell we go through to show us there HAS to be something BETTER to look forward to!

Today has been one of those days I would truly call myself totally crazy, insane, ready to be locked away. The real problem though is that while Raven SAW it today, most of the time I do a damn good job of hiding it! Because I feel that way inside EVERY day. Maybe not the entire day, but at some point I feel it each and every day. I just try to lock it away so no one can see it.

But, today was truly a volcano day. One of those days I could NOT control my inner self, the self I despise. I know there is a halfway decent person in there somewhere, she just doesn't come out very often.

This is NOT a self pity ploy. I despise pity in any form. I don't feel sorry for myself, I feel sorry for my family. I pray my girls don't "catch" it later in life. I truly did think I had this person under control for good. I have been having GREAT days, days I felt more like I did over 5 years ago. But, I noticed the last couple of days, she was trying to come out again. Today she did.

So, to my girls if they read this, I am truly sorry your mother is this person!! You deserve so much more, so much better. The only good thing I can say for myself is that I DO love you!! And I am totally ashamed of myself when I allow her to come out. I'm sorry.

Paying Forward Has It's Own Rewards

Carl and I had some errands and shopping to do the other day. I have had TERRIBLE road rage for the last few years. I blame it on menopause. So this day I decided I would NOT let road rage control me. For once it actually worked.

So I decided to go a step further. I would smile at every person that looked at me, they ALL smiled back! Okay, I thought what else can I do to pay it forward?

Going toward the hams there was a couple having trouble getting through, he was in a wheelchair. We stopped, moved out of their way and let them through. They thanked us.

Then we were looking at hams and I noticed an older woman with a broken arm trying to get a couple of hams. I helped her with them. Her husband started talking to Carl and I while we were choosing the hams. They were very nice people!

Now to the check out counter. We are behind the couple with the gentleman in a wheelchair. We smiled at each other again. As the clerk started adding our purchases I decided to help her bad our groceries. That's when I noticed the couple in front of us had forgotten a bag of groceries! I brought it to the clerks attention, and another employee was able to get it to them before they got out of the store.

We are now heading to our car, there is the couple that was in line in front of us passing in their car. I could tell she was saying Merry Christmas!! I smiled and said Merry Christmas back to her.

We put our purchases in the trunk and proceded to get in the car. Then I noticed a piece of paper under the wiper on the driver side of the car. I got in and read it out loud: "Just wanted to let you know your right front tire is low." Carl and I both smiled.

I was so happy to know that there are others out there who also decided to "Pay It Forward"!!

Sign from my Mom?

I have been so focused on Austin, the Holidays are just so hard without him! But, I have been making a BIG efford do what he would want, to enjoy my time with the rest of the family.

Which brings me closer to my question.

My parents LOVED birds!! They had all kinds of feeders. I bought Mom a book on birds once, she wore it out and asked for another, I found her another one. Daddy liked the bluebirds the best I think. Mom, it was the hawk. Anywhere we went she would watch the countryside for hawks. If there was one out there she'd find it!!

Driving around trying to do Christmas shopping, or going to doctor appointments, I have noticed so MANY hawks!! But, what brings me my question is..... lately, when I'm driving along, usually crying, over a song or a memory..... suddenly, there it is, a hawk. Sitting so majestically on a tree limb or a fence post. So beautiful!!!

Whenever I see a hawk I always think of my mother. Now, I am wondering, is my mom trying to tell me that Austin is just fine?? Is she showing me the one way she KNOWS I will think of her to let me know that Austin is with his great-grandparents and his parental grandparents, safe, loved, and happy.

You would have to know more about my mothers beliefs to understand why I question whether this is the case or not. She didn't believe you went to Heaven or Hell at death, but at the resurrection when Christ comes back for us. So, by her belief, she couldn't show me a sign of any kind.

But, EVERY time I am out and get sad over my grandson, Austin, all of the sudden from out of no where I will see a hawk. Just the sight brings me such an instant feeling of peace!! I feel a warm "glow" for lack of a better word, deep inside me.

Ah well, right or wrong, true or false. I will believe it IS a sign. I just can't feel any other way with the feeling of peace that comes over me at that time, I don't see how it could be anything else!

Christmas without you

I finished my free photo book from Shutterfly. So wish my computer hadn't crashed on me!! Almost all my pictures of Austin are on my computer, I only had a couple on Ravens.

I still find it so hard to make family memories, whatever you want to call it, and NOT include him!! I have SEVEN grandchildren! I will ALWAYS have SEVEN!!! I can't seem to make myself move on, it feels like losing him all over again.

I mantain relatively well. I love my family more than anything in this world! They are my gift from God. I know they belong to Him first and foremost. I know that at some point in time He will call each one home to Him. It's the order of the call I find so hard to deal with.

I know we have to keep making new memories for all the other grandchildren. I also know that Austin is on our minds with every new memory we make. That should make me feel better I guess, but it doesn't.

Yet, at the same time, if I could I would take the pain of his passing away from every member of my family and carry it myself. There are so many degrees of this kind of pain.

The pain of losing one you love, then the pain of watching the rest of the people you love suffer through that lose themselves. If I could just take their pain away I think I could deal with my own so much better!

I know I have to find my path. I try to follow Heathers' guidance. That child of mine is so wise!! Yet, I am her mother, so I know how she hides things herself. Hence my point, a mother protects her child from pain. I can't do that for her!!
I want to, but I can't. I pray for the ablitity to do so, but I know we each have to carry it alone.

So, I WILL pick myself up. I will live my life to the fullest. I will enjoy my time here with my family. I will try to live up to his memory, to make him proud of me.

I just have to find the way to tuck him in bed, in my heart, mind, and soul. To know that one day I will look upon that beautiful smiling face, and feel that big Blair Bear Hug again!!!

I refuse to say good-bye to him. But, I will learn to say until I see you again. Always in my heart, mind, and soul. Forever loved and remembered.

Wrap Austin in Your arms sweet Lord, until I can wrap him in mine once again.