I'll be 53 years old this July. You'd think in all those years I would have learned to keep my mouth shut. But no, not me. I love too deeply, always forgive those I love regardless of what they do or say. That I refuse to change. But, I do wish I'd learn to control my temper and shut my mouth.
I have paid very high prices through the years by not learning to keep my mouth shut. I have now paid the highest price yet I guess. I do wish I could take back the words I said, but it's too late, I said them. Now I will have to learn to live with what I caused to happen.
Through EVERY thing I have EVER gone through, I have NEVER stopped loving ANY member of my family. I won't start now either. There is NO force that can make me do that. I am no stranger to the pain of losing someone I love, but I won't stop loving them in return.
I can, and have, forgiven any and all words that have been said to me that have caused me pain. That's what love is all about. Just like that new song Tina asked me about the other day, "Love Don't Run". Guess that will be my new theme song.
Of course God is foremost on my list of loved ones. Then comes my family. My husband, my three daughters, my seven grandchildren, my son-in-law. Then comes other family and friends. I have tried to be there whenever any of them needed me.
I have loaned money, knowing I'd never get it back. I have cleaned houses for some of my family, ran errands, babysat, took places, tried to protect. I have bent over backwards. I don't regret any of it.
But, maybe, at times I have done too much. I have been neglected and ignored, used and walked over. That's okay though, I still love them one and all, and I always will. It is my fault that I have done it all, but I would probably do it again if I had it to do over. "Love don't run, love don't hide".
I am sorry for the way some things have turned out. Especially today. But I can't turn back time. Right now I really like that song by Cher..."If I Could Turn Back Time, If I Could Find A Way, I'd Take Back The Words That Hurt You". But I can't.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Our life course
I was chatting with an old friend recently. They asked a question that many of us ask ourselves at some point in life. If I could go back and change the course of my life would I? I have thought about that throughout my life. But, each time, I have answered no.
Yes, there are things I wish could have been different. Don't get me wrong on that. First and foremost, we wouldn't have lost Austin!! No one would choose to go through that pain.
Yes, I have made mistakes I wish I could undo. Who hasn't?
I've thought about the crossroads in my life. You know the ones, where you made a choice that you may wish you hadn't, what would your life have been if you had chosen differently. But I always come back to where I am now.
I believe in and love God. I love my family. I believe God has a plan for each of us. We may live our entire lives never knowing what His plan was, but it happened. It happened when He decided, however He chose.
That isn't saying that I believe God makes us suffer through illness or accidents. God loves us, but He gave us the right to chose for ourselves. We share this planet with millions. So, of course, we suffer when others make choices also.
The child that decides to take a gun to school. The drunk that gets behind the wheel of a car. Someone elses choice can affect our life along with theirs.
But when you talk of your life, choices such as who we married, those are the choices I mean I wouldn't change. I wish my first marriage hadn't been abusive, but I have two beautiful daughters from that union. Therefore I wouldn't change a thing. To change who I married then would have changed who my children are now.
One change, one tiny thing, could take my family out of my life. Oh, I realize that I could have had a family with someone else. Might have had a much easier life for myself. But, it wouldn't be the family I have now. Thats the family I love, the ones that brighten my days, worry to my nights, love to my soul.
This is the family I know and love. I wouldn't change a thing. All the tears, the pain, the laughter, the love.....that is a family. We share those things together. We support, we fight, we forgive. We share things, we hide things, we wish.
I wish Heather hadn't felt the pain of losing Austin. I wish Wendy hadn't had the pain of two bad marriages, a year without her girls, the pain of Larry staying with his dad. I wish Ravens marriage had been a good one. But I wouldn't change a thing. I wish I could carry their pain for them, I gladly would, but that would change them too.
I know they feel like I do, they have their children....they wouldn't change that just to stop pain. Our choices got us here, now. If we had made different choices we would be different people. That doesn't mean we would be better people, happier, healthier, better off.
If I hadn't met Carl, Heather probably would never have met Tim. Raven would never have been born. Wendy would have walked a different path too.
No, I am where I should be. This is my life. The good along with the bad. But its mine, no one elses.
When we are young we never realize ONE choice can affect SO many people!! A life could literally take a million different courses, all we will ever know for sure is the one we took. Yes, I could have lived a different life.....but I think I'll just keep the one I have, it's been a good one!
Yes, there are things I wish could have been different. Don't get me wrong on that. First and foremost, we wouldn't have lost Austin!! No one would choose to go through that pain.
Yes, I have made mistakes I wish I could undo. Who hasn't?
I've thought about the crossroads in my life. You know the ones, where you made a choice that you may wish you hadn't, what would your life have been if you had chosen differently. But I always come back to where I am now.
I believe in and love God. I love my family. I believe God has a plan for each of us. We may live our entire lives never knowing what His plan was, but it happened. It happened when He decided, however He chose.
That isn't saying that I believe God makes us suffer through illness or accidents. God loves us, but He gave us the right to chose for ourselves. We share this planet with millions. So, of course, we suffer when others make choices also.
The child that decides to take a gun to school. The drunk that gets behind the wheel of a car. Someone elses choice can affect our life along with theirs.
But when you talk of your life, choices such as who we married, those are the choices I mean I wouldn't change. I wish my first marriage hadn't been abusive, but I have two beautiful daughters from that union. Therefore I wouldn't change a thing. To change who I married then would have changed who my children are now.
One change, one tiny thing, could take my family out of my life. Oh, I realize that I could have had a family with someone else. Might have had a much easier life for myself. But, it wouldn't be the family I have now. Thats the family I love, the ones that brighten my days, worry to my nights, love to my soul.
This is the family I know and love. I wouldn't change a thing. All the tears, the pain, the laughter, the love.....that is a family. We share those things together. We support, we fight, we forgive. We share things, we hide things, we wish.
I wish Heather hadn't felt the pain of losing Austin. I wish Wendy hadn't had the pain of two bad marriages, a year without her girls, the pain of Larry staying with his dad. I wish Ravens marriage had been a good one. But I wouldn't change a thing. I wish I could carry their pain for them, I gladly would, but that would change them too.
I know they feel like I do, they have their children....they wouldn't change that just to stop pain. Our choices got us here, now. If we had made different choices we would be different people. That doesn't mean we would be better people, happier, healthier, better off.
If I hadn't met Carl, Heather probably would never have met Tim. Raven would never have been born. Wendy would have walked a different path too.
No, I am where I should be. This is my life. The good along with the bad. But its mine, no one elses.
When we are young we never realize ONE choice can affect SO many people!! A life could literally take a million different courses, all we will ever know for sure is the one we took. Yes, I could have lived a different life.....but I think I'll just keep the one I have, it's been a good one!
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Mothers Day
Mothers Day invokes so many memories for me. I remember making things at school for my mother, thinking they were the grandest things a mom could get!
To being a mother and receiving similar gifts from my girls, and knowing they WERE the grandest gifts a mother could get! To know their sweet hands made those gifts, the sweet smiles, the excitement on their faces to give them to me. Those are my best memories of this holiday.
The next best was watching my girls become mothers, being able to share this wondrous day with them. To see how sweetly my grandchildren honored their mothers. Mothers Day was always a favorite of mine.
Not for the presents from my children. But, for the present the Good Lord above gave to me!! Three beautiful pink packages that He entrusted to ME to take care of. Such an amazing gift, and such trust He showed for me to try to do Him justice in raising these beautiful girls! I thank Him everyday for that trust, for the joyful journey of being a mother.
Though I still love this holiday, it now is bittersweet to me. My mother is gone, no more chances to show her I did, and do, love her. But even that pain is overshadowed by another. No mother ever wants to watch one of her children suffer pain, especially a pain she can't fix. A pain she can share in part, but doesn't know how to ease it for her child. That's where I stand with Heather, my precious firstborn.
She is such an amazing woman, this young lady the Lord trusted me with, I love her SO much!! I do not take credit for the woman she has become, I give full credit to the Lord above. He created such a beautiful lady that I got the honor to call my daughter!
Two handsome blue bundles she was blessed with! She gave me the honor of my first grandchild, my first grandson, Austin. OH!!! The memories of watching him grow!!! So sweetly I cherish them!!! I can close my eyes and see him with a handful of Easter flowers he picked for his mommy, the love and the joy in his eyes. I pray I see those beautiful eyes filled with love and joy when the Good Lord decides its our turn to join Austin in Paradise!!!
How she tries to hide the pain. She is such a strong lady!! I admire my daughter, she inspires me to be a better person. But, a mother knows....somehow we just do. Maybe because our child came from our body, the connection never really severs. I try to honor her by pretending I don't see, she knows I do see it. She has to know that, she too is a mother.
A mothers love runs deep, knows no boundaries, never stops. I have the pleasure and joy of my love for my children being extended to my grandchildren they have blessed me with. For what is a Grandmother, but a mother twice blessed!!
As a grandmother I stand in the background. I get to baste in my daughters shadows. It's a great place to be!! It can be like watching them grow up all over again. I get to see the love and pride on their faces for their children, knowing that I too felt that love and pride in them as children. I get to go through it again through watching my grandchildren grow up. It is a two-fold blessing!! To know in advance what my girls are going to feel before they do!! Because I stood there before them.
I have watched Wendy go through such hard times that a lot of women would have given up over. But not my daughter!! Their strength has to come from the Lord, it is too amazing to be from any mortal being.
Wendy has blessed me with two beautiful granddaughters and one handsome grandson. I thank God for her and her children everyday too.
Then there is Raven. Again, my child has gone through so much to be so young. Yet, like her sisters, she has that inner strength from the Lord!! She stands up and takes what shes dealt, pastes a smile on her face, and carries on.
Raven has blessed me with a pink and a blue bundle of joy. Seven precious grandchildren!! Each and every one different from the others. Each unique!!
Oh, the joys and the pain of being a mother!! I wouldn't trade one of them for all the wealth on Earth.
I couldn't, to change just one thing could change EVERY thing!! Though I would love to erase the pain my girls have gone through, I can't, and I wouldn't if I could.
To take away Heathers pain would be to never have had Austin....THAT she would be the first to say she'd never have done!!!! Every instance of pain also brings one of joy. We have our memories. They will sustain us until we are with him again!!
She still has the blessing of Noah and a loving husband, Tim. She would be the first to say she has been blessed by the Lord in so many ways. She is, as I said, an amazing lady!!
Wendy, like her sister, wouldn't change anything either. I know there are things she wishes were different. But we have to walk the path that was laid for us. For every choice we make somewhere there is a price to pay.
Raven also has had her share of heartache. Sometimes I fear I cursed the children I was blessed with!! I want so badly to take their pain and make it mine, mine to carry, my burdens, not theirs.
That is how every mother feels. I just pray that beside each of my girls names it is marked paid in full, no more heartache or pain. Yet, I know that is just wishful thinking. This life is for learning that this isn't life!! This is a test to show us just how badly we need God and the Home He has waiting for us!!
So, to each of my daughters I say Happy Mothers Day!! I love each of you so very much. I am so proud to be able to say these are my daughters, these are my grandchildren!! I could not be greater blessed than I have been to know and love each of these God given people in my life.
Thank you girls for the joy you have brought to my life, for the grandchildren you have blessed me with. I cherish each and everyone of you and of my memories. I love you!!
To being a mother and receiving similar gifts from my girls, and knowing they WERE the grandest gifts a mother could get! To know their sweet hands made those gifts, the sweet smiles, the excitement on their faces to give them to me. Those are my best memories of this holiday.
The next best was watching my girls become mothers, being able to share this wondrous day with them. To see how sweetly my grandchildren honored their mothers. Mothers Day was always a favorite of mine.
Not for the presents from my children. But, for the present the Good Lord above gave to me!! Three beautiful pink packages that He entrusted to ME to take care of. Such an amazing gift, and such trust He showed for me to try to do Him justice in raising these beautiful girls! I thank Him everyday for that trust, for the joyful journey of being a mother.
Though I still love this holiday, it now is bittersweet to me. My mother is gone, no more chances to show her I did, and do, love her. But even that pain is overshadowed by another. No mother ever wants to watch one of her children suffer pain, especially a pain she can't fix. A pain she can share in part, but doesn't know how to ease it for her child. That's where I stand with Heather, my precious firstborn.
She is such an amazing woman, this young lady the Lord trusted me with, I love her SO much!! I do not take credit for the woman she has become, I give full credit to the Lord above. He created such a beautiful lady that I got the honor to call my daughter!
Two handsome blue bundles she was blessed with! She gave me the honor of my first grandchild, my first grandson, Austin. OH!!! The memories of watching him grow!!! So sweetly I cherish them!!! I can close my eyes and see him with a handful of Easter flowers he picked for his mommy, the love and the joy in his eyes. I pray I see those beautiful eyes filled with love and joy when the Good Lord decides its our turn to join Austin in Paradise!!!
How she tries to hide the pain. She is such a strong lady!! I admire my daughter, she inspires me to be a better person. But, a mother knows....somehow we just do. Maybe because our child came from our body, the connection never really severs. I try to honor her by pretending I don't see, she knows I do see it. She has to know that, she too is a mother.
A mothers love runs deep, knows no boundaries, never stops. I have the pleasure and joy of my love for my children being extended to my grandchildren they have blessed me with. For what is a Grandmother, but a mother twice blessed!!
As a grandmother I stand in the background. I get to baste in my daughters shadows. It's a great place to be!! It can be like watching them grow up all over again. I get to see the love and pride on their faces for their children, knowing that I too felt that love and pride in them as children. I get to go through it again through watching my grandchildren grow up. It is a two-fold blessing!! To know in advance what my girls are going to feel before they do!! Because I stood there before them.
I have watched Wendy go through such hard times that a lot of women would have given up over. But not my daughter!! Their strength has to come from the Lord, it is too amazing to be from any mortal being.
Wendy has blessed me with two beautiful granddaughters and one handsome grandson. I thank God for her and her children everyday too.
Then there is Raven. Again, my child has gone through so much to be so young. Yet, like her sisters, she has that inner strength from the Lord!! She stands up and takes what shes dealt, pastes a smile on her face, and carries on.
Raven has blessed me with a pink and a blue bundle of joy. Seven precious grandchildren!! Each and every one different from the others. Each unique!!
Oh, the joys and the pain of being a mother!! I wouldn't trade one of them for all the wealth on Earth.
I couldn't, to change just one thing could change EVERY thing!! Though I would love to erase the pain my girls have gone through, I can't, and I wouldn't if I could.
To take away Heathers pain would be to never have had Austin....THAT she would be the first to say she'd never have done!!!! Every instance of pain also brings one of joy. We have our memories. They will sustain us until we are with him again!!
She still has the blessing of Noah and a loving husband, Tim. She would be the first to say she has been blessed by the Lord in so many ways. She is, as I said, an amazing lady!!
Wendy, like her sister, wouldn't change anything either. I know there are things she wishes were different. But we have to walk the path that was laid for us. For every choice we make somewhere there is a price to pay.
Raven also has had her share of heartache. Sometimes I fear I cursed the children I was blessed with!! I want so badly to take their pain and make it mine, mine to carry, my burdens, not theirs.
That is how every mother feels. I just pray that beside each of my girls names it is marked paid in full, no more heartache or pain. Yet, I know that is just wishful thinking. This life is for learning that this isn't life!! This is a test to show us just how badly we need God and the Home He has waiting for us!!
So, to each of my daughters I say Happy Mothers Day!! I love each of you so very much. I am so proud to be able to say these are my daughters, these are my grandchildren!! I could not be greater blessed than I have been to know and love each of these God given people in my life.
Thank you girls for the joy you have brought to my life, for the grandchildren you have blessed me with. I cherish each and everyone of you and of my memories. I love you!!
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
My Soul is happy today
I made that my status on facebook earlier. Then I decided it would make a good title for a blog.
Though, in a way I guess, this could be considered writing about Valentines Day. In a way it is connected.
I feel that Valentines Day is to show your loved ones that you love them, not just your other half.
We need to tell our loved ones more often how we feel. True, most of them know that we love them, but who doesn't like to hear it or be shown??
For my husband, kids, grandkids, son-in-law, daughters boyfriend, and her best friend, I got things I knew they would like or that they needed. Prices varied, but the love didn't!!
My mother-in-law lost her mother Feb. 5th., her best friend, Don, in 2009, her step-great-grandson in 2008. So I knew Valentines Day might lay heavy on her heart this year. So she was my main concern this time.
I don't know any other way to put it, God moved me, He moved me to make this a special time for HER. We didn't do anything grand. She's a diabetic, so she can't have most candy. We found her some sugar-free peppermint, got her a bag of sugar-free toffee (one of her favorites!!), a box of sugar-free candy...it was Valentines Day after all, a spongecake ( another favorite), and a card.
I took it all to her on my way home last night. She teared up on the card, loved everything else too. Of course telling me the whole time we shouldn't have done it! But, I am so glad we did!!
I got a call from her earlier today, after I got in from work. She told me her peppermint was in containers all over the house, so she could get a piece when she wanted. She had eaten 4 pieces of the toffee candy, (saving the boxed candy for when the other is all gone she said!), that the cake was the BEST she had EVER had!! So moist! Then to the card, that was the best to her. She said she has read it and read it all night and all day. That she so loved us letting her know how much she means to us. She knew, she said, that we love her. But at her age, 73, that she LOVES hearing it now. That she knows she won't have 73 more Valentine Days. That EVERYONE should tell the people they love that they love them! That we can NEVER hear it too many times. She went on and on.
So, my soul is happy today. I made someone I love happy, but the main thing is......I KNOW that God talked to my soul to get it done!!
Though, in a way I guess, this could be considered writing about Valentines Day. In a way it is connected.
I feel that Valentines Day is to show your loved ones that you love them, not just your other half.
We need to tell our loved ones more often how we feel. True, most of them know that we love them, but who doesn't like to hear it or be shown??
For my husband, kids, grandkids, son-in-law, daughters boyfriend, and her best friend, I got things I knew they would like or that they needed. Prices varied, but the love didn't!!
My mother-in-law lost her mother Feb. 5th., her best friend, Don, in 2009, her step-great-grandson in 2008. So I knew Valentines Day might lay heavy on her heart this year. So she was my main concern this time.
I don't know any other way to put it, God moved me, He moved me to make this a special time for HER. We didn't do anything grand. She's a diabetic, so she can't have most candy. We found her some sugar-free peppermint, got her a bag of sugar-free toffee (one of her favorites!!), a box of sugar-free candy...it was Valentines Day after all, a spongecake ( another favorite), and a card.
I took it all to her on my way home last night. She teared up on the card, loved everything else too. Of course telling me the whole time we shouldn't have done it! But, I am so glad we did!!
I got a call from her earlier today, after I got in from work. She told me her peppermint was in containers all over the house, so she could get a piece when she wanted. She had eaten 4 pieces of the toffee candy, (saving the boxed candy for when the other is all gone she said!), that the cake was the BEST she had EVER had!! So moist! Then to the card, that was the best to her. She said she has read it and read it all night and all day. That she so loved us letting her know how much she means to us. She knew, she said, that we love her. But at her age, 73, that she LOVES hearing it now. That she knows she won't have 73 more Valentine Days. That EVERYONE should tell the people they love that they love them! That we can NEVER hear it too many times. She went on and on.
So, my soul is happy today. I made someone I love happy, but the main thing is......I KNOW that God talked to my soul to get it done!!
Friday, December 31, 2010
My recap of 2010
I do have so many things to be thankful for in 2010. My husband survived a stroke from Christmas 2009. He had to retire early, but that will be just fine.
I have enjoyed 6 more grandchildren birthdays. My, but they are growing so fast!!!
I was FINALLY hired full time!! Started subbing in 2007. Weird how it goes. Took me 3 years to get full time, watched another that just started late last year go full time at the same time I did. Ah well, at least I get paid year round now.
I still have the blessing of 3 beautiful daughters, they have brought me so much joy through the years, and blessed me with 7 grandchildren!!
I loved watching their faces when we went to the zoo, TWICE this year!! Well, Heather, Noah, and I snuck off once by ourselves...shhhh! LOL Thats okay, I know Raven took hers sereval times too.
Heather has one of the most amazing loves I have ever been blessed to witness!! They seem to have a fairy tale marriage, but like all marriages there are good times and bad. It's been 2 years since they lost their oldest son, Austin. My first born grandchild. But, together, they are pulling through. They still have the blessing of Noah, he lights up all our lives!! The things that boy can come up with!
Wendy, ah Wendy, she has had a rough road to travel the last year. But she has straightened out her life, she has her girls back....praise the Lord!!! She is on the right track now, trusting more in God than she ever has before. I know He will see her through!!
Then there is Raven, the baby of the group. She LOVES it too!! She has her 2 children, Bryanna and Allen, 13 months apart. She is working and going to school too. She is a GREAT single parent!! Her divorce isn't final yet, but hopefully will be soon. She has had a hard road too.
All 3 of my girls have had a rough 2 years now, but I pray their lives will contiue to improve with the Grace of God! I pray their hard times are behind them for good, that only GOOD things are in store for them the rest of their lives!!!
I finished out the year on medical leave, had surgery on my back. It seems to have stopped that terrible pain that would shoot up and down my legs!! I still have pain, yes, but that was the WORST of it!!!
Now, if I could just get my head straight! I look at all the things I have to be SO thankful for, I have been SO blessed!! The Lord is Great, SO loving!! I know all these things. My heart understands it all, it accepts it all...the good along with the bad. Now if I could just get my head wrapped around it all, get my mind to accept what it wants to refuse.
I have so much to be thankful for this past year, yet I don't look forward to the coming year at all. I know I have Blessings waiting to unfold. I have a wonderful family I AM so thankful for!! I will survive the coming year day by day, just as I did this last one.
I will attempt to Pay It Forward some more this coming year in loving memory of Austin. He so loved to make people smile, to brighten their day, to to lessen their load. He was a lesson in life all in himself, all in his 14 short years he had to teach us. He was a Blessing to behold!!
I will end this year with another anniversary married to the man I love more than I could ever say. We have been together 27 years, but only been married the last 11 of those. We have had some beautiful times together. We have weathered some bad storms. We have come out the other side...together!!! I love you Carl Evans!!
I have enjoyed 6 more grandchildren birthdays. My, but they are growing so fast!!!
I was FINALLY hired full time!! Started subbing in 2007. Weird how it goes. Took me 3 years to get full time, watched another that just started late last year go full time at the same time I did. Ah well, at least I get paid year round now.
I still have the blessing of 3 beautiful daughters, they have brought me so much joy through the years, and blessed me with 7 grandchildren!!
I loved watching their faces when we went to the zoo, TWICE this year!! Well, Heather, Noah, and I snuck off once by ourselves...shhhh! LOL Thats okay, I know Raven took hers sereval times too.
Heather has one of the most amazing loves I have ever been blessed to witness!! They seem to have a fairy tale marriage, but like all marriages there are good times and bad. It's been 2 years since they lost their oldest son, Austin. My first born grandchild. But, together, they are pulling through. They still have the blessing of Noah, he lights up all our lives!! The things that boy can come up with!
Wendy, ah Wendy, she has had a rough road to travel the last year. But she has straightened out her life, she has her girls back....praise the Lord!!! She is on the right track now, trusting more in God than she ever has before. I know He will see her through!!
Then there is Raven, the baby of the group. She LOVES it too!! She has her 2 children, Bryanna and Allen, 13 months apart. She is working and going to school too. She is a GREAT single parent!! Her divorce isn't final yet, but hopefully will be soon. She has had a hard road too.
All 3 of my girls have had a rough 2 years now, but I pray their lives will contiue to improve with the Grace of God! I pray their hard times are behind them for good, that only GOOD things are in store for them the rest of their lives!!!
I finished out the year on medical leave, had surgery on my back. It seems to have stopped that terrible pain that would shoot up and down my legs!! I still have pain, yes, but that was the WORST of it!!!
Now, if I could just get my head straight! I look at all the things I have to be SO thankful for, I have been SO blessed!! The Lord is Great, SO loving!! I know all these things. My heart understands it all, it accepts it all...the good along with the bad. Now if I could just get my head wrapped around it all, get my mind to accept what it wants to refuse.
I have so much to be thankful for this past year, yet I don't look forward to the coming year at all. I know I have Blessings waiting to unfold. I have a wonderful family I AM so thankful for!! I will survive the coming year day by day, just as I did this last one.
I will attempt to Pay It Forward some more this coming year in loving memory of Austin. He so loved to make people smile, to brighten their day, to to lessen their load. He was a lesson in life all in himself, all in his 14 short years he had to teach us. He was a Blessing to behold!!
I will end this year with another anniversary married to the man I love more than I could ever say. We have been together 27 years, but only been married the last 11 of those. We have had some beautiful times together. We have weathered some bad storms. We have come out the other side...together!!! I love you Carl Evans!!
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Volcanoes
Today as been a "volcano" day. One of those days you feel the pressure building, waiting to explode. Sometimes it just "seeps" out, other times it flows!
So today has been one of those days where I see how selfish I truly am, how terrible I can be, how deeply I can dislike myself and all I am. When I feel as ugly inside as I do on the outside.
Volcano days don't bother me as much if I am alone, but they tear me apart when I'm not, and I end up "spouting" on an innocent person. Which I did today. Raven was totally innocent of any wrong doing, but I sure can't say the same for me. At least I can say I raised smart girls, she knew when to give up and leave me alone.
I love my family, even though I know this sounds as if I don't. I want only the best for ALL of them, my husband, my girls, Tim, and my precious grandchildren. But best is something I have NEVER been, and today was one of those days that just proves it.
My entire life I have been told to shut up, I talk too much. From my earliest memories I can remember being told to Shut up! You would think in 52 years I could have learned to do that. Which just leads me to realize how selfish and stupid I am.
If I truly put my family first I wouldn't EVER put them through one of my "days". Once again I have told myself THIS is the LAST time!! But, I'm sure, as I always do, I will fail at it again.
It might be different if I enjoyed life. I don't. I just survive it, one day at a time. I can't even remember when I truly did enjoy it. It's been a lot of years!! Oh, there are days I enjoy. People I enjoy. But for the most part, nope. I live each day waiting for it to be the last day I have to endure life.
Call it menopause, grief, old age, selfishness, self disgust, or whatever. To me this life is hell, this is the hell we go through to show us there HAS to be something BETTER to look forward to!
Today has been one of those days I would truly call myself totally crazy, insane, ready to be locked away. The real problem though is that while Raven SAW it today, most of the time I do a damn good job of hiding it! Because I feel that way inside EVERY day. Maybe not the entire day, but at some point I feel it each and every day. I just try to lock it away so no one can see it.
But, today was truly a volcano day. One of those days I could NOT control my inner self, the self I despise. I know there is a halfway decent person in there somewhere, she just doesn't come out very often.
This is NOT a self pity ploy. I despise pity in any form. I don't feel sorry for myself, I feel sorry for my family. I pray my girls don't "catch" it later in life. I truly did think I had this person under control for good. I have been having GREAT days, days I felt more like I did over 5 years ago. But, I noticed the last couple of days, she was trying to come out again. Today she did.
So, to my girls if they read this, I am truly sorry your mother is this person!! You deserve so much more, so much better. The only good thing I can say for myself is that I DO love you!! And I am totally ashamed of myself when I allow her to come out. I'm sorry.
So today has been one of those days where I see how selfish I truly am, how terrible I can be, how deeply I can dislike myself and all I am. When I feel as ugly inside as I do on the outside.
Volcano days don't bother me as much if I am alone, but they tear me apart when I'm not, and I end up "spouting" on an innocent person. Which I did today. Raven was totally innocent of any wrong doing, but I sure can't say the same for me. At least I can say I raised smart girls, she knew when to give up and leave me alone.
I love my family, even though I know this sounds as if I don't. I want only the best for ALL of them, my husband, my girls, Tim, and my precious grandchildren. But best is something I have NEVER been, and today was one of those days that just proves it.
My entire life I have been told to shut up, I talk too much. From my earliest memories I can remember being told to Shut up! You would think in 52 years I could have learned to do that. Which just leads me to realize how selfish and stupid I am.
If I truly put my family first I wouldn't EVER put them through one of my "days". Once again I have told myself THIS is the LAST time!! But, I'm sure, as I always do, I will fail at it again.
It might be different if I enjoyed life. I don't. I just survive it, one day at a time. I can't even remember when I truly did enjoy it. It's been a lot of years!! Oh, there are days I enjoy. People I enjoy. But for the most part, nope. I live each day waiting for it to be the last day I have to endure life.
Call it menopause, grief, old age, selfishness, self disgust, or whatever. To me this life is hell, this is the hell we go through to show us there HAS to be something BETTER to look forward to!
Today has been one of those days I would truly call myself totally crazy, insane, ready to be locked away. The real problem though is that while Raven SAW it today, most of the time I do a damn good job of hiding it! Because I feel that way inside EVERY day. Maybe not the entire day, but at some point I feel it each and every day. I just try to lock it away so no one can see it.
But, today was truly a volcano day. One of those days I could NOT control my inner self, the self I despise. I know there is a halfway decent person in there somewhere, she just doesn't come out very often.
This is NOT a self pity ploy. I despise pity in any form. I don't feel sorry for myself, I feel sorry for my family. I pray my girls don't "catch" it later in life. I truly did think I had this person under control for good. I have been having GREAT days, days I felt more like I did over 5 years ago. But, I noticed the last couple of days, she was trying to come out again. Today she did.
So, to my girls if they read this, I am truly sorry your mother is this person!! You deserve so much more, so much better. The only good thing I can say for myself is that I DO love you!! And I am totally ashamed of myself when I allow her to come out. I'm sorry.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Paying Forward Has It's Own Rewards
Carl and I had some errands and shopping to do the other day. I have had TERRIBLE road rage for the last few years. I blame it on menopause. So this day I decided I would NOT let road rage control me. For once it actually worked.
So I decided to go a step further. I would smile at every person that looked at me, they ALL smiled back! Okay, I thought what else can I do to pay it forward?
Going toward the hams there was a couple having trouble getting through, he was in a wheelchair. We stopped, moved out of their way and let them through. They thanked us.
Then we were looking at hams and I noticed an older woman with a broken arm trying to get a couple of hams. I helped her with them. Her husband started talking to Carl and I while we were choosing the hams. They were very nice people!
Now to the check out counter. We are behind the couple with the gentleman in a wheelchair. We smiled at each other again. As the clerk started adding our purchases I decided to help her bad our groceries. That's when I noticed the couple in front of us had forgotten a bag of groceries! I brought it to the clerks attention, and another employee was able to get it to them before they got out of the store.
We are now heading to our car, there is the couple that was in line in front of us passing in their car. I could tell she was saying Merry Christmas!! I smiled and said Merry Christmas back to her.
We put our purchases in the trunk and proceded to get in the car. Then I noticed a piece of paper under the wiper on the driver side of the car. I got in and read it out loud: "Just wanted to let you know your right front tire is low." Carl and I both smiled.
I was so happy to know that there are others out there who also decided to "Pay It Forward"!!
So I decided to go a step further. I would smile at every person that looked at me, they ALL smiled back! Okay, I thought what else can I do to pay it forward?
Going toward the hams there was a couple having trouble getting through, he was in a wheelchair. We stopped, moved out of their way and let them through. They thanked us.
Then we were looking at hams and I noticed an older woman with a broken arm trying to get a couple of hams. I helped her with them. Her husband started talking to Carl and I while we were choosing the hams. They were very nice people!
Now to the check out counter. We are behind the couple with the gentleman in a wheelchair. We smiled at each other again. As the clerk started adding our purchases I decided to help her bad our groceries. That's when I noticed the couple in front of us had forgotten a bag of groceries! I brought it to the clerks attention, and another employee was able to get it to them before they got out of the store.
We are now heading to our car, there is the couple that was in line in front of us passing in their car. I could tell she was saying Merry Christmas!! I smiled and said Merry Christmas back to her.
We put our purchases in the trunk and proceded to get in the car. Then I noticed a piece of paper under the wiper on the driver side of the car. I got in and read it out loud: "Just wanted to let you know your right front tire is low." Carl and I both smiled.
I was so happy to know that there are others out there who also decided to "Pay It Forward"!!
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